The Cynical Optimist

In Two Parts...

2012-01-16T23:39:00.002-05:00

Part One:

You are a chameleon. You are an inconstant, perplexing individual. You blend in to your environment and absorb the characteristics of your surroundings. You are a social schizophrenic. In all my conversations with you, I cannot name one genuine interaction - because every sentence that slips from your lips sounds like a cold, rehearsed reading of a Wikipedia entry.

Perhaps you are unaware of who you are - who you want to be - and so you go about life trying on different roles and personas, trying to see which one fits best. In the short time I've known you, I've watched you jump from boy to boy - overlapping them so you wouldn't have to spend a single hour alone.

You grow bored of men in a matter of days. You absorb their identity and mimic them as best you can before moving on to the next one. Every time you dissolve one of these makeshift relationships, you speak of the next guy (who you already have lined up), "He's just like me - he's the male version of me!" You go on at length about how much you and your perspective future ex-boyfriend have in common - which in reality is a falsity. Your commonalities are manufactured.

Part Two:

Perhaps you don't realize this. Perhaps you see nothing wrong with going from one relationship to the other -- you've amassed more boyfriends in the past months than some people do in years -- and each time you're convinced it's destiny. Each time you're in love with them - they're just like you - and you could have never imagined finding someone whom you truly connect with... until you've used them up.

You are a man-eater. You are a beautiful, seductive creature so expertly trained at using people that you seem to move undetected by even the most skilled of bullshit detectors. I am not a psychiatrist or a life coach, I am but an observer who became a cog in the machinery of your assembly line for used-up, broken-hearted beings.

You've emptied out the lives of too many people. You should consider, instead, filling your own first.

Oscar Nominations: Predictions

2012-01-14T17:51:00.001-05:00

With the Golden Globes just around the corner, we'll no doubt soon receive the nominations for the 84th Academy Awards. I thought I would get us all in the mood for the Oscars by peering into my Palantír and predicting nominations for the major categories. For each category I'll provide some other possibilities, dark horses that could end up sneaking into the Oscar race.

The Academy's new voting rules dictate that there will be between five and ten Best Picture nominees this year, depending on how many films receive at least five percent of the overall No. 1 votes. With that being said, I'm going to throw out ten films that could potentially be nominated, thought I think the magic number is closer to seven. It's easy to see how more than five films could be nominated, but now that ten isn't a requirement, I don't see that many films getting at least 225 No. 1 votes each.

Best Picture:

"The Artist"
"The Descendants"
"The Help"
"Hugo"
"Midnight in Paris"
"The Tree of Life"
"War Horse"
"Moneyball"
"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Best Director:

Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist"
Terrence Malick, "The Tree of Life"
Alexander Payne, "The Descendants"
Martin Scorsese, "Hugo"
Steven Spielberg, "War Horse"

Other Possibilities:

David Fincher, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Bennett Miller, "Moneyball"
Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris"

Best Actor:

George Clooney, "The Descendants"
Brad Pitt, "Moneyball"
Jean Dujardin, "The Artist"
Michael Fassbender, "Shame"
Leonardo DiCaprio, "J. Edgar"

Other Possibilities:

Ryan Gosling, "Drive"
Michael Shannon, "Take Shelter"
Gary Oldman, "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"

Best Actress:

Viola Davis, "The Help"
Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady"
Tilda Swinton, "We Need to Talk About Kevin"
Michelle Williams, "My Week with Marilyn"
Glenn Close, "Albert Nobbs"

Other Possibilities:

Rooney Mara, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Charlize Theron, "Young Adult"
Elizabeth Olsen, "Martha Marcy May Marlene"

Best Supporting Actor:

Christopher Plummer, "Beginners"
Albert Brooks, “Drive”
Kenneth Branagh, “My Week with Marilyn”
Nick Nolte, “Warrior”
Jonah Hill, "Moneyball"

Other Possibilities:

Max Von Sydow, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"
Patton Oswalt, "Young Adult"
Ben Kingsley, "Hugo"

Best Supporting Actress:

Bérénice Bejo, "The Artist"
Octavia Spencer, “The Help”
Jessica Chastain, “The Help”
Shailene Woodley, “The Descendants”
Melissa McCarthy, "Bridesmaids"

Other Possibilities:

Carey Mulligan, "Shame"
Janet McTeer, "Albert Nobbs"

Best Adapted Screenplay:

“The Descendants” (Nat Faxon, Alexander Payne, Jim Rash)
"Moneyball" (Stan Chervin, Aaron Sorkin, Steven Zaillian)
"The Help" (Tate Taylor)
"Hugo" (John Logan)
"Drive" (Hossein Amini)

Other Possibilities:

“Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” (Bridget O’Connor, Peter Straughan)
"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (Steven Zaillian)
“Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” (Eric Roth)
“War Horse” (Richard Curtis, Lee Hall)

Best Original Screenplay

“Midnight in Paris” (Woody Allen)
“The Artist” (Michel Hazanavicius)
"Win Win" (Thomas McCarthy, Joe Tibani)
"50/50" (Will Reiser)
"The Tree of Life" (Terrence Malick)

Other Possibilities:

"Bridesmaids" (Annie Mumolo, Kristen Wiig)
“Young Adult” (Diablo Cody)
"Beginners" (Mike Mills)

Well, that's what I think of this year's Academy Awards hopefuls - of course the fun thing about the Oscars is you never quite know what's going to happen. After the nominations have been announced, a clear picture will begin to form about which nominees have the best shot of winning each category, so stay tuned for the official announcement.

Thrill Inside My Heart (Black Hole)

2012-01-10T21:44:00.002-05:00

You are a hole that can't be closed.

You are words, collected and stored

on lines so straight and parallel,

with no meaning or sense to be made.

You are the thrill inside my heart,

a thrill which leaves me hollow.

You are the narcissism of youth,

A bitter keepsake kept in safe keeping.

Disguised as a collection of pages,

handwritten and locked with charcoal and ink.

You are the thrill inside my heart,

a visual effect that stirs and excites.

You are a cave, forgotten and dark.

An infinite loop, expanding and collapsing,

a dying star, that implodes and fades.

You are a hole that can't be closed.

You are the thrill inside my heart,

a thrill which leaves me empty and alone.

You are part and parcel, inseparable,

a deep-seated unknown quantity.

You are a whisper, a sentence written

in cursive font, in a language I do not know.

Sons of Anarchy / Breaking Bad

2012-01-03T21:30:00.000-05:00

Anarchism, then, really stands for the liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion; the liberation of the human body from the dominion of property; liberation from the shackles and restraint of government. Anarchism stands for a social order based on the free grouping of individuals for the purpose of producing real social wealth; an order that will guarantee to every human being free access to the earth and full enjoyment of the necessities of life, according to individual desires, tastes, and inclinations. -- Emma Goldman

I've recently started watching the FX Original Series Sons of Anarchy. This, of course, only after completing four seasons of AMC's Breaking Bad. Anarchy follows the Teller-Morrow family of Charming, California, members of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original (SAMCRO). The series draws not only many character parallels to William Shakespeare's Hamlet, but much of its storyline also. It's written as if Denmark were a northern California small town and all its characters members of the motorcycle club.

Then there's Breaking Bad, which stars Bryan Cranston as Walter White, a high-school chemistry teacher with lung cancer. To secure his family's financial future, Cranston locates Jesse (Aaron Paul), a former student turned drug dealer, and starts cooking crystal meth. The show follows Cranston on a descent into depravity as he navigates street-level dealers, DEA agents, crime bosses and his own terminal illness.

Both television series, helmed by Kurt Sutter and Vince Gilligan respectively, pose moral questions instead of illustrating moral certainties. Nothing, as we are well aware of, is black and white. Anarchy beautifully captures the outlaw spirit that fuels many American subcultures, while Breaking Bad explores decisions and their consequences -- chemical and interpersonal reactions. Characters like Cranston's Walter White change radically, to the point where they may be unrecognizable at season's end.

While I'm still only on the first (of four) seasons of Sons of Anarchy, it's obvious the show is has a talented ensemble of writers, directors and cast members that elevate the material. Sure, I'm only four years behind - but better late than never, right?

For me personally, it's hard to say which is the better show - Mad Men or Breaking Bad - but it's clear they're both in a league of their own. These two AMC originals easily comprise a Top 4 Greatest Television Shows list with HBO's completed series, The Sopranos and The Wire. Next season will be Breaking Bad's last, while Mad Men plans to end in present day with a total of seven seasons. I can't wait to see the continued evolution of Don Draper and Walter White, and I hope as I delve deeper into Sutter's Sons of Anarchy that I find the story and its characters as equally intriguing.

Random Thought (And Spoiler): Did anyone else pick up on Breaking Bad's references to "The Dark Knight" in its fourth season? Walter White begins laughing maniacally at what would be considered bad jokes - he presses Jesse's gun into his forehead while giving him a deceitful speech and later has a little fun with a bomb detonator - clicking and smacking it several times before it finally goes off. Then there's Gustavo's brilliant Harvey Two-Face moment... not to mention all those random parking garage meetings. Seriously, what's up with that?

No speeches. Short speech. You lost your partner today. What's his name - Emilio? Emilio is going to prison. The DEA took all your money, your lab. You got nothing. Square one. But you know the business and I know the chemistry. I'm thinking... maybe you and I could partner up. -- Walter White

Fake Criterion Covers

2012-01-02T21:55:00.002-05:00

Check out these awesome custom Criterion Collection covers! I often dream of seeing all my favorite films offered in amazing Criterion Collection packaging and will, at times, fantasize about what sort of supplementary features might be included... OK, so maybe I'm weird like that. Anyway, check these out!

Top 10 Films of 2011

2011-12-27T20:16:00.650-05:00

2011: Le Cinéma Fantastique

Come and dream with me...

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason too." -- Hugo Cabret.

This year I saw roughly seventy to eighty films in theaters. Some films I saw multiple times - others I watched on Blu-Ray, DVD or in some rare cases, VHS. If you were to calculate how many hours I spent in the dark (alone or in the company of friends) watching films, I'm sure it would be well over 300 hours (12.5 days), which could be seen as a success or a failure depending on how you feel about film. I love film - it's my thing - it makes sense to me in a way that nothing else seems to.

With that being said, I am happy to present my top ten films of the year, as well as ten additional titles I would recommend in a heartbeat, should you find the first ten rewarding. That's twenty films - twenty wondrous works of cinema the year has brought - twenty bits of moving picture and sound that have moved me, and I present them to you now in hopes they move you the same way.

[10] The Descendants

Directed By: Alexander Payne

From the creator of the Academy Award-winning "Sideways," "The Descendants" is a humorous yet tragic journey for Matt King (George Clooney), an indifferent husband and back-up parent.

When his wife suffers a boating accident off of Waikiki, Matt is forced to re-examine his life and the role he plays in his beyond dysfunctional family. While attempting to reconnect with his two daughters, Matt wrestles with a decision to sell the family's land handed down from Hawaiian royalty and missionaries.

Payne's film captures the unpredictable messiness of life and effortlessly blends tragedy with comedy, which is a direct result of such great performances by George Clooney and his on-screen daughters, Shailene Woodley and Amara Miller.

Great Performances By: George Clooney, Shailene Woodley, Judy Greer

[9] Young Adult

Directed By: Jason Reitman

Charlize Theron plays Mavis Gary, a writer of teen literature who returns to her hometown of Mercury, Minnesota to relive her glory days and reclaim her happily married high school sweetheart (Patrick Wilson). Returning home proves more difficult than she thought, and Mavis forms an unusual bond with a former classmate (Patton Oswalt) who hasn't quite gotten over high school, either.

Written by Diablo Cody ("Juno"), "Young Adult" is a powerful (and hilarious) piece of cynicism, a dark comedy that feels authentic, as it provides no easy answers for its characters. Without the brilliant work of Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt, Cody's dissertation on prolonged adolescence wouldn't be as hard-hitting.

Great Performances By: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Collette Wolfe

[8] The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Directed By: David Fincher

Fincher's slick and glossy style explores the darkest corners of the human experience, pulling back the curtain to reveal a world that is morose, sinister and gorgeous. From "Se7en" to "Fight Club" to "Zodiac" to "Dragon Tattoo," Fincher's obsession with detail gives his films a richness lacking in most American cinema.

Rooney Mara is fearless as Lisbeth Salander, a pale, anorexic techno-punk covered in piercings and tattoos. She is damaged - introverted, anti-social - a rape victim who refuses to be victimized. Mara deserves an Academy Award for her bold portrayal of Lisbeth - a character that embodies the elegant, dark duality of Natalie Portman's Nina Sayers in "Black Swan" and Heath Ledger's capacity for chaos as the Joker in "The Dark Knight."

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is a mesmerizing work of art by a filmmaker who has mastered his craft - a film refined and dripping with gorgeous intensity.

Great Performances By: Rooney Mara, Daniel Craig, Christopher Plummer

[7] Midnight in Paris

Directed By: Woody Allen

"You're in a love with a fantasy." That's what Inez (Rachel McAdams) tells her fiancé Gil (Owen Wilson), who replies "I'm in love with you." At least he thinks he is. Inez doesn't share Gil's romantic notions of Paris (preferably in the rain) or his idea that the 1920s were the greatest time to be alive.

When Inez goes dancing with her friends, Gil (a writer) takes a walk at midnight and discovers what could be the ultimate source of inspiration for writing. By some sort of Parisian magic, Gil is transported to '20s Paris where he rubs shoulders with Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Salvador Dali, Gertrude Stein and even Pablo Picasso.

"Midnight in Paris" is filled with a brilliant ensemble of actors and manages to be a sweet and charming return to form for Woody Allen. It manages to be both romantic and comedic without being your typical romantic comedy.

Great Performances By: Owen Wilson, Marion Cotillard, Alison Pill

[6] Drive

Directed By: Nicolas Winding Refn

Adapted from James Sallis's 2005 novel, "Drive" is not for the faint of heart. Director Nicolas Winding Refn's film is a violent and surreal tone poem influenced by Steve McQueen's "Bulitt" and the work of Chilean filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky. It is a powerful, unrelenting work of intensity.

A brilliant film with impeccable direction and pacing, a fantastic ensemble of actors and an amazing soundtrack, "Drive" is easily one of my favorite films of the year and stands as a breakout performance for Ryan Gosling, who is no doubt Hollywood's new leading man.

Great Performances By: Ryan Golsing, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks

[5] War Horse

Directed By: Steven Spielberg

Based on the 2007 stage adaptation of Michael Morpurgo's 1982 children's novel, "War Horse" could have easily become a sentimental, manipulative WWI version of "Marley and Me," but Spielberg has crafted his finest film since 1998's "Saving Private Ryan."

The film is about young Albert (Jeremy Irvine), who enlists to service in WWI after his beloved horse, Joey, is sold to the cavalry. Albert's hopeful journey takes him out of England and across Europe as the war rages on.

Technically superb and expertly crafted, "War Horse" is an old-fashioned, emotional drama that tugs the heartstrings courtesy of Spielberg's signature style.

Great Performances By: Jeremy Irvine, Niels Arestrup, Celine Buckens

[4] Beginners

Directed By: Mike Mills

"Beginners" stars Ewan McGregor as the grief-stricken Oliver, who meets the unpredictable Anna (Melanie Laurent) only months after his father Hal (Christopher Plummer) has passed away from cancer. This new, exciting love floods Oliver with memories of his father who – after 44 years of marriage – came out of the closet at age 75 to live a full and energized gay life.

Perhaps my favorite film of the year in terms of sheer cinematic catharsis, "Beginners" is such a hopeful story, filled with deep optimism and cheerful joy -- both humorous and heartfelt. It will move you in ways a motion picture should but seldom does. See it with someone you love - your father, your mother - recommend it to an estranged friend or family member - share it with the people you have trouble sharing yourself with.

Great Performances By: Ewan McGregor, Christopher Plummer, Mélanie Laurent, Cosmo the dog

[3] The Tree of Life

Directed By: Terrence Malick: Brad Pitt, Jessica Chastain

Terrence Malick’s latest film, ”The Tree of Life”, serves as an ambitious masterwork that braids the threads of one Texas family in the 1950s with the creation of the universe. The film follows the life of Jack (Sean Penn), the eldest son of the O’Brien family, through the innocence of childhood to the disenchantment of adulthood. Jack attempts to reconcile a strained relationship with his father (Brad Pitt).

Staggering. Beautiful. Malick's film is reminiscent of Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey" - a polarizing, hypnotic piece of art that goes beyond the bounds of contemporary cinema. It is a masterful work that encourages speculation yet confirms nothing.

Great Performances By: Brad Pitt, Jessica Chastain, Hunter McCracken

[2] Hugo

Directed By: Martin Scorsese

Martin Scorsese's adaptation of Brian Selznick's award-winning novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret is a heartwarming reminder of the power of cinema. Whereas J.J. Abrams' bit of summer nostalgia, "Super 8," was a specific homage to the work of Steven Spielberg, "Hugo" is Martin Scorsese's love letter to cinema as an art form, encompassing those magical Georges Méliès films that made the director fall head over heels with the moving picture. I suspect you too will fall in love all over again after watching this endearing, beautiful film.

Great Performances By: Ben Kingsley, Asa Butterfield, Sacha Baron Cohen

[1] The Artist

Directed By: Michel Hazanavicius

"The Artist" stars Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo and takes place in Hollywood between 1927 and 1932, when silent films were being replaced by talkies. Dujardin plays George Valentin, a leading man of the silent era who's on his way out. Bejo plays Peppy Miller, an actress who gets her big break in the age of talking pictures.

The film itself is silent and shot in black-and-white. Hazanavicius employs filmmaking techniques of the '20s and '30s to bring the golden age of Hollywood to life. You won't find any computer generated chaos or steadicam shots in "The Artist" - but what you will find is a wonderful and entertaining piece of storytelling with great actors that will make you fall in love with cinema all over again.

Great Performances By: Jean Dujardin, Bérénice Bejo, Uggie the dog

Honorable Mentions / Recommendations

Another Earth
Directed By: Mike Cahill

On the night of the discovery of a duplicate planet in the solar system, an ambitious young student and an accomplished composer cross paths in a tragic accident. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Brit Marling, William Mapother

Take Shelter
Directed By: Jeff Nichols

Plagued by a series of apocalyptic visions, a young husband and father questions whether to shelter his family from a coming storm, or from himself. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Michael Shannon, Jessica Chastain, Tova Stewart

Like Crazy
Directed By: Drake Doremus

A British college student falls for an American student, only to be separated from him when she's banned from the U.S. after overstaying her visa. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Anton Yelchin, Felicity Jones, Jennifer Lawrence

Martha Marcy May Marlene
Directed By: Sean Durkin

Haunted by painful memories and increasing paranoia, a damaged woman struggles to re-assimilate with her family after fleeing an abusive cult. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Elizabeth Olsen, John Hawkes, Sarah Paulson

Win/Win
Directed By: Thomas McCarthy

A struggling lawyer and volunteer wrestling coach's chicanery comes back to haunt him when the teenage grandson of the client he's double-crossed comes into his life. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Paul Giamatti, Amy Ryan, Alex Shaffer

Warrior
Directed By: Gavin O'Connor

The youngest son (Hardy) of an alcoholic former boxer (Nolte) returns home, where he's trained by his father for competition in a mixed martial arts tournament -- a path that puts the fighter on a collision corner with his older brother (Edgerton). -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Tom Hardy, Nick Nolte, Joel Edgarton

50/50
Directed By: Jonathan Levine

Inspired by a true story, a comedy centered on a 27-year-old guy who learns of his cancer diagnosis, and his subsequent struggle to beat the disease. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogen, Anna Kendrick

Moneyball
Directed By: Bennett Miller

The story of Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane's successful attempt to put together a baseball club on a budget by employing computer-generated analysis to draft his players. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill, Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Help
Directed By: Tate Taylor

An aspiring author during the civil rights movement of the 1960's decides to write a book detailing the African-American maid's point of view on the white families for which they work, and the hardships they go through on a daily basis. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jessica Chastain

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Directed By: Rupert Wyatt

During experiments to find a cure for Alzheimer's disease, a genetically-enhanced chimpanzee uses its greater intelligence to lead other apes to freedom. -- IMDB

Great Performances By: Andy Serkis, James Franco, John Lithgow

Cuttin' Promos and Ridin' Limos

2011-12-27T18:08:00.001-05:00

Your 2011 Fantasy Football Champions: GaGa's LiL Monsters

The Rolling Stones once said, "You can't always get what you want." I'm sure you're familiar with the song, from their 1969 album, Let It Bleed. Written primarily by Mick Jagger with assistance from Keith Richards, the lyrics are a stern but fair appraisal of the human experience. "But if you try sometimes," Jagger continues, "you might find you get what you need."

Well, I got exactly what I wanted - another WNC FFL Championship. That's THREE, folks. While our roster of teams and owners continues to change, there's one thing that seems to remain a constant in the WNC FFL - GaGa's LiL Monsters at the top of the mountain, the very summit of fantasy football, looking down on all the little people with dismay and disgust.

Every hero needs an arch-nemesis though, and never has there been a more villainous fantasy football persona then that of Cooper Grant and his rag-tag band of miscreants that compose It's Prime Time. While I got what I wanted, Cooper got exactly what he needed... a crushing, disheartening defeat at my hands.

You reap what you sow, my friend - and your spiteful, dirty ways of playing this honorable gentleman's game got you to exactly where you belong... below me. You see, I could look past the dirty dealings you conducted - I could even look past your lame team name and Yahoo! Fantasy Sports avatar - but when you made personal attacks against me in the form of unnecessary waiver wire moves, you sealed your own fate.

Maybe if you would have been more concerned with YOUR TEAM instead of mine, picking up backup Quarterback Matt Leinart (when you already had Aaron Rodgers and Michael Vick) just so I couldn't fill an injured Matthew Schaub's roster spot, you'd be writing this speech - but instead you chose the low road, you went out of your way to make your opponents weaker instead of yourself stronger... and now you'll have to spend the off season thinking about why it is you can't seem to beat me - why you'd rather propose 500 unbalanced trades in a given week instead of making sound judgment calls and playing smart.

Hip-Hop artist Drake puts it best, "Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time." Let's face it - I've had a bullseye on my back since the beginning of the season. There's been a lot of would-be snipers with their guns aimed on GaGa's LiL Monsters - but none succeeded, not even the mighty RussCo Ritz Crackers, Team Jordan or Maybe Next Week.

Truth is, I knew WNC FFL would be such a cake walk this year that I joined another league with some co-workers and turns out GaGa's LiL Monsters is poised to win the championship in that league too - I was looking for a challenge, but instead I found confirmation that I'm simply better than you at fantasy football - and by "you" I mean everyone who's reading this speech.

2011 was a year of destiny, not just for GaGa's LiL Monsters but for the Detroit Lions - whose deadly combination of Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson provided me with back-to-back championships and the Lions with their first playoff birth since 1999.

I will leave you with this from Vince Lombardi: "I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."

I am exhausted. I am victorious.

Dark Knight Rises Trailer #2

2011-12-19T19:19:00.003-05:00

The film introduces Catwoman, played by Anne Hathaway, but could be the end of Batman -- rumors are swirling that Bruce Wayne may die in this film - the film's tag line "The End of the Dark Knight Legend" certainly isn't doing much to dissuade us, either. Selina Kyle (Catwoman's alter ego) takes center stage in the trailer as she dances with Bruce Wayne, played by Christian Bale. She warns “There’s a storm coming,” and that “You and your friends better batten down the hatches.”

“When it hits you’re all going to wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us,” she whispers in Wayne’s ear.

Other scenes in the trailer include Bane, played by Tom Hardy, entering a football stadium (Go Gotham Rogues!) and orchestrating the destruction of an entire football field, including players who are sucked into the abyss of sod and concrete.

The film hits theaters July 19.

“The Dark Knight Rises,” follows Nolan's 2005 film, “Batman Begins” and the 2008 sequel, “The Dark Knight." Filming for the final installment began in May and finished in November.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

2011-12-16T10:35:00.001-05:00

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It...

Academy Award-winning director Brad Bird ("Ratatouille," "The Incredibles") makes his live-action directorial debut with "Ghost Protocol," the fourth installment of the Mission: Impossible series. The Kremlin has been bombed, and the blame has fallen on super-spy Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise).

The president initiates Ghost Protocol, and accuses Hunt and his team of inciting a global nuclear war. Now, in order to clear the Impossible Mission Force of terrorism charges, Ethan assembles a new team to track down an nuclear extremist. Jeremy Renner ("The Hurt Locker"), Paula Patton, and Simon Pegg ("Star Trek") co-star.

"Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol" has everything a great action flick should: exotic locales, stupefying action sequences and a charismatic leading man who does his own stunts. Seeing Tom Cruise climb the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, is exhilarating - especially on an IMAX screen.

What's more impressive is Brad Bird's approach to the material. His retro-minded direction is filled with charm and class. The result is a film that feels like an adrenaline-injected "North by Northwest," complete with a prison break scene set to Dean Martin. It's a glitzy breath of fresh air to the series - far removed from John Woo's exploding sunglasses and that horrible Limp Bizkit theme in "Mission: Impossible 2."

Say what you will about Tom Cruise but the guy is a legitimate action star. Forget about any of the washed-up muscle men in "Expendables 2," Tom Cruise is too busy climbing and swinging off a 2,716-foot-high building. That's more than a half-mile straight up! Yeah, shoot some guns at that, Stallone. You might have guts, but Tom Cruise is straight-up crazy!

While the story is simplistic and straight-forward, the film itself is a rather intricate, exhaustive celebration of breathtaking action set pieces. Brad Bird's film is pure spectacle, plain and simple - a roller coaster ride that should be enjoyed and not meditated on. For me, it's the best of the series.

This review will self-destruct in 5...4...3...

Observation: Tom Cruise absolutely LOVES a hoodie/jacket combination. From "Minority Report" to "War of the Worlds" and "Knight and Day," Tom Cruise will rock a hooded sweatshirt and a jacket no questions asked. It's his superhero costume. When the man puts on that deadly (yet stylish) clothing combo, shit gets real - Cruise starts jumping motorcycles off ramps and sliding down zip-lines.

I mean, look at the poster for "Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol." Tom Cruise is saying, "Come for the hooded sweatshirt, stay for the stunts!" It's subliminal advertising at its finest. When I see Tom in a hoodie, I know I'm going to get my money's worth.

"Hey Everyone, Come See How Good I Look!"

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

2011-12-13T00:01:00.001-05:00

"Evil Shall With Evil Be Expelled."
Rape. Torture. Incest. Murder.

"I want you to help me catch a killer of women"

When author Stieg Larsson was fifteen years old, he witnessed the gang rape of a young girl. He never forgave himself for not helping the girl, whose name was Lisbeth.

A guilt-ridden Larsson asked Lisbeth for forgiveness - ashamed that he hadn't intervened - but she refused.

Lisbeth's traumatizing experience would go on to inspire the theme of sexual violence against women in Larsson's award-winning book, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (original title in Swedish: Män som hatar kvinnor – "Men Who Hate Women").

The author named the tattooed heroine of his novel after the young girl as a way of apologizing for his own cravenness.

In 2009, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" was adapted as a Swedish Language film, directed by Niels Arden Oplev and starring Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth. As part of the "Millennium" Trilogy, the successful adaptation was quickly followed by "The Girl Who Played with Fire" and "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest."

On December 21st, an English language adaptation of Larsson's novel, written by Steven Zaillian ("Schindler's List," "Moneyball") and directed by David Fincher ("Se7en," "The Social Network), hits theaters. For those of you who missed the previous film adaptation or never read Larsson's book, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" tells the story of sixteen-year old Harriet Vanger, who disappeared on September 29th 1966. Forty years later journalist Mikael Blomqvist (Daniel Craig) receives an unusual assignment. He is contacted by Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer), an industrialist in the midst of writing his memoirs.

Vanger's autobiography is just a cover for the real assignment: to find out what really happened to Henrik's niece Harriet. In an attempt to solve the cryptic missing persons case, Mikael seeks out help from tattooed computer hacker and private investigator Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara).

Fincher's slick and glossy style explores the darkest corners of the human experience, pulling back the curtain to reveal a world that is morose, sinister and gorgeous. From "Se7en" to "Fight Club" to "Zodiac" to "Dragon Tattoo," Fincher's obsession with detail gives his films a richness lacking in most American cinema.

His frequent collaborators cinematographer Jeff Cronenweth ("Fight Club,"), composers Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross ("The Social Network"), editor Angus Wall and sound designer Ren Klyce also help create the mood and atmosphere cinephiles have come to define as "Fincheresque." The use of darkness and silhouette, the elegance of minimal lighting, the rich color palettes composed of inky blacks, vibrant neon reds and abysmal murky grays -- all the signatures are present and accounted for.

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is a mesmerizing work of art by a filmmaker who has mastered his craft - a film refined and dripping with gorgeous intensity.

Viewing the film's opening credits, a rhythmic collage of disturbing imagery set to a cover of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" by Trent Reznor and Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, is an introduction to the 158-minute Master's Seminar in atmospheric storytelling.

Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander.

Rooney Mara ("The Social Network") is fearless as Lisbeth Salander, a pale, anorexic techno-punk covered in piercings and tattoos. She is damaged - introverted, anti-social - a rape victim who refuses to be victimized.

Mara deserves an Academy Award for her bold portrayal of Lisbeth - a character that embodies the elegant, dark duality of Natalie Portman's Nina Sayers in "Black Swan" and Heath Ledger's capacity for chaos as the Joker in "The Dark Knight."

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is a haunting piece of cinema that will no doubt entertain and astonish mainstream audiences this Christmas. Larsson's series of books have become a worldwide phenomena and while the Swedish film adaptations have their fans, Fincher's definitive version will bring Larsson's characters to a whole new audience.

Simply one of the year's best films, I can't wait to see "Dragon Tattoo" again in theaters - I wish I could have the opening credits beamed directly into my brain on an infinite loop.

"Impressive. Most Impressive."

Mini-Rant: David Fincher was nominated for Best Director last year for "The Social Network," coming up short to Tom Hooper's "The King's Speech" - though anyone with half a brain will tell you that Fincher was the Best Director of the Best Picture last year.

Being as the Academy seems content with holding the art of filmmaking back 50 years by rewarding generic, forgettable period pieces with Best Picture statues, it's hard to say if "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" will be Fincher's first Best Director Oscar. Not only will he have to contend with the likes of Spielberg, Scorsese and Malick, but Phyllida Lloyd's "The Iron lady" is the perfect kind of British Biopic Oscar-bait that could keep inventive, daring filmmaking off the stage and in the seats for another year.

Top 100 Films

2011-12-10T01:44:00.022-05:00

I've been working on this for quite some time now. I'm finally ready to release my Top 100 Films, organized by the year in which the film was originally released. I plan on doing a feature of my Top 10 Favorite Films with full write-ups, organized by intensity of burning love and adoration for said cinematic work.

In perhaps a controversial move, I've added a film from 2011 to the list. Currently, "Beginners" is my favorite film of the year - of course with Awards Season upon us this could certainly change, but regardless I consider Mike Mills' latest to be a personal, definitive film. So, without any further adieu, I present to you my Top 100 Films...

1 Metropolis 1927 Fritz Lang

2 King Kong 1933 Merian C. Cooper

3 Bride of Frankenstein 1935 James Whale

4 The Wizard of Oz 1939 Victor Fleming

5 Citizen Kane 1941 Orson Welles

6 Casablanca 1942 Michael Curtiz

7 Rashomon 1950 Akira Kurosawa

8 The Day the Earth Stood Still 1951 Robert Wise

9 High Noon 1952 Fred Zinnemann

10 Seven Samurai 1954 Akira Kurosawa

11 Rear Window 1954 Alfred Hitchcock

12 The Creature From the Black Lagoon 1954 Jack Arnold

13 Forbidden Planet 1956 Fred M. Wilcox

14 The Searchers 1956 John Ford

15 The Bridge on the River Kwai 1957 David Lean

16 The Seventh Seal 1957 Ingmar Bergman

17 12 Angry Men 1957 Sidney Lumet

18 The Hidden Fortress 1958 Akira Kurosawa

19 Vertigo 1958 Alfred Hitchcock

20 Some Like It Hot 1959 Billy Wilder

21 Psycho 1960 Alfred Hitchcock

22 Carnival of Souls 1962 Herk Harvey

23 To Kill a Mockingbird 1962 Robert Mulligan

24 High and Low 1963 Akira Kurosawa

25 Dr. Strangelove 1964 Stanley Kubrick

26 Bonnie and Clyde 1967 Arthur Penn

27 The Graduate 1967 Mike Nichols

28 Rosemary’s Baby 1968 Roman Polanski

29 2001: A Space Odyssey 1968 Stanley Kubrick

30 Midnight Cowboy 1969 John Schlesinger

31 The Wild Bunch 1969 Sam Peckinpah

32 Dirty Harry 1971 Don Siegel

33 THX-1138 1971 George Lucas

34 A Clockwork Orange 1971 Stanley Kubrick

35 The Godfather 1972 Francis Ford Coppola

36 American Graffiti 1973 George Lucas

37 The Exorcist 1973 William Friedkin

38 The Godfather Part II 1974 Francis Ford Coppola

39 Chinatown 1974 Roman Polanski

40 The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 1974 Tobe Hooper

41 Rocky Horror Picture Show 1975 Jim Sharman

42 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 1975 Milos Forman

43 Barry Lyndon 1975 Stanley Kubrick

44 Jaws 1975 Steven Spielberg

45 Rocky 1976 John G. Avildsen

46 Taxi Driver 1976 Martin Scorsese

47 Network 1976 Sidney Lumet

48 Star Wars 1977 George Lucas

49 Close Encounters of the Third Kind 1977 Steven Spielberg

50 Annie Hall 1977 Woody Allen

51 Dawn of the Dead 1978 George A. Romero

52 Halloween 1978 John Carpenter

53 Apocalypse Now 1979 Francis Ford Coppola

54 Alien 1979 Ridley Scott

55 The Empire Strikes Back 1980 Irvin Kirshner

56 Raging Bull 1980 Martin Scorsese

57 The Shining 1980 Stanley Kubrick

58 Blow Out 1981 Brian De Palma

59 The Evil Dead 1981 Sam Raimi

60 Raiders of the Lost Ark 1981 Steven Spielberg

61 The Thing 1982 John Carpenter

62 Blade Runner 1982 Ridley Scott

63 E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial 1982 Steven Spielberg

64 Videodrome 1983 David Cronenberg

65 Return of the Jedi 1983 Richard Marquand

66 Ghostbusters 1984 Ivan Reitman

67 A Nightmare On Elm Street 1984 Wes Craven

68 Return of the Living Dead 1985 Dan O’Bannon

69 Back to the Future 1985 Robert Zemeckis

70 The Fly 1986 David Cronenberg

71 Aliens 1986 James Cameron

72 Big Trouble in Little China 1986 John Carpenter

73 Stand By Me 1986 Rob Reiner

74 Adventures in Babysitting 1987 Chris Columbus

75 Predator 1987 john McTiernan

76 Robocop 1987 Paul Verhoeven

77 Beetlejuice 1988 Tim Burton

78 Goodfellas 1990 Martin Scorsese

79 Tremors 1990 Ron Underwood

80 Terminator 2: Judgment Day 1991 James Cameron

81 Silence of the Lambs 1991 Jonathan Demme

82 JFK 1991 Oliver Stone

83 The Sandlot 1993 David M. Evans

84 Dazed and Confused 1993 Richard Linklater

85 Jurassic Park 1993 Steven Spielberg

86 The Crow 1994 Alex Proyas

87 The Shawshank Redemption 1994 Frank Darabont

88 Pulp Fiction 1994 Quentin Tarantino

89 Se7en 1995 David Fincher

90 L.A. Confidential 1997 Curtis Hanson

91 The Big Lebowski 1998 The Coen Brothers

92 American Beauty 1999 Sam Mendes

93 Almost Famous 2000 Cameron Crowe

94 Amélie 2001 Jean-Pierre Jeunet

95 Lost in Translation 2003 Sofia Coppola

96 Zodiac 2006 David Fincher

97 Pan’s Labyrinth 2006 Guillermo del Toro

98 Grindhouse 2007 Quentin Tarantino / Robert Rodriquez

99 The Dark Knight 2008 Christopher Nolan

100 Beginners 2011 Mike Mills

Bellflower

2011-12-07T00:07:00.000-05:00

Bellflower
A violent, apocalyptic love story.

“You will know the vengeance of the Lord Humungus! I promise you... nobody... nobody... gets out of here alive!” -- Lord Humungus, "The Road Warrior."

Written and directed by Evan Glodell, "Bellflower" is about Woodrow (Glodell) and Aiden (Tyler Dawson), two guys whose hearts are set on the end of the world. They spend all their free time building flamethrowers and customizing bad-ass muscle cars in hopes that their imaginary gang, Mother Medusa, will rule the wastelands of the apocalypse.

While waiting for the bleak future of "The Road Warrior" to become a reality, Woodrow falls head-over-heels in love with Milly (Jessie Wiseman), a charismatic young woman he meets during, beyond all things, a cricket eating contest.The two carry out a beautifully reckless romance that interferes with Woodrow and Aiden's plans of world domination.

"Bellflower" has an incredibly different feel to it than other films. This is probably the result of cinematographer Joel Hodge's shooting style and the one-of-a-kind camera designed and built by Glodell, who combined vintage camera parts, bellows and Russian lenses around a digital cinema camera.

The film itself feels almost radioactive, the colors burn intensely - dark crimson blood on white t-shirts, the gorgeous chaos of reds, yellows and oranges swirling together in long streams of flame. There's this frenetic energy behind the lens, a delicate balance between optimistic young love and apocalyptic sadism.

It's like "(500) Days of Summer" was cornered and raped into submission by "Requiem for a Dream." OK, so maybe that's harsh imagery - one film reel forcibly tangling it's 35mm print with another - but you get the idea. The film is beautiful and bleak, with a "Death Proof" muscle car that spits flames and dispenses whiskey. Stuntman Mike would certainly approve.

It's this juxtaposition that makes "Bellflower" so rewarding - you truly have no idea what's going to happen next - the film takes a bizarre series of twists and turns that leave you questioning what is reality and what is just some apocalyptic fantasy.

Even if apocalyptic love stories aren't your bag (and seriously, if it isn't, what the hell's your problem?) "Bellflower" marks the arrival of writer/director/actor Evan Glodell as a legitimate talent - an ambitious filmmaker whose stylish vision was fully realized on a shoestring budget and a homemade camera.

If you've ever dreamed of roaring down the dirt roads of an apocalyptic wasteland in a matte black muscle car with a flamethrower and a sawed-off shotgun, then you'll absolutely connect with the characters. Coincidentally, if you've ever had your heart broken or felt betrayed by a crazy bitch then you'll also relate to the characters - a little something for everybody, right?

"This is a tasty burger!"

The Muppets

2011-11-22T21:16:00.000-05:00

"The Muppets" is the first Muppets theatrical release in 12 years, as well as the first Disney-produced Muppets film since 1996's "Muppet Treasure Island."

In the film, Walter (Peter Linz), the world's biggest Muppet fan, his brother Gary (Jason Segel) and Gary's girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) must raise $10 million to save the Muppet Theater from Tex Richman (Chris Cooper), an industrialist who wants to destroy the Muppet Theater to drill for precious oil.

Directed by James Bobin (who co-created "Flight of the Conchords") and written by Segel and Nicholas Stoller ("Forgetting Sarah Marshall"), "The Muppets" features Bret McKenzie ("Flight of the Conchords) as music supervisor, and what an awesome job he does.

McKenzie's contribution includes six new musical numbers, including the gleeful opening number, "Life's a Happy Song,"which you can check out here.

Don't worry, "The Muppets" includes a few classic songs (obviously "The Muppet Show Theme" is present and accounted for) for good measure. I guess that's really what Bobin's film is all about - a new spin on a bit of nostalgia that reminds us (and poignantly so) of our childhood while delighting us with relevant pop cultural references. I mean, who would have thought the Muppets would cover Cee-Lo's "Forget You" after all?

Segel and Adams do a great job of wandering through the world of the Muppets without stealing all the spotlight. You won't find any Academy Award worthy performances here, but they're totally invested and their interactions with Jim Henson's friends are credible.

Musical numbers and performances aside, "The Muppets" is flat-out hilarious - prepare yourself for joyful belly laughs courtesy of Kermit and the gang - especially the latest addition, '80s Robot. There's plenty of celebrity cameos that will surprise moviegoers - I won't spoil the fun but don't blink or you might miss someone.

Being as this is Disney, the film is preceded by a new Toy Story short entitled, "Small Fry." Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) is left behind at a fast food restaurant when a kids’ meal toy version takes his place. All around, you'll leave the multiplex satisfied after seeing "The Muppets" - it's the perfect kind of heartwarming, optimistic, chaotic cinematic experience that adults and children can both appreciate.

I'll be honest, it was hard for me to even write this review - being the cynical, jaded person I am - but "The Muppets" made me grin from ear-to-ear as I swept up in the childhood giddiness of it all.

It's time to play the music...
It's time to light the lights...
It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!

Take Shelter

2011-11-21T21:13:00.000-05:00

In small-town Ohio, Curtis LaForche (Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road") has apocalyptic nightmares but keeps them from his wife Sam (Jessica Chastain, "Tree of Life") and their daughter Hannah (Tova Stewart).

In these visions, Curtis witnesses a storm on the horizon, a peculiar storm in which droplets of black rain (like motor oil) fall from the sky. Curtis becomes obsessed with building a storm shelter in his backyard.

As his dreams and erratic behavior intensify, his relationship with his family is pushed to the brink, and Curtis now questions if he should shelter his family from the storm or from himself.

Michael Shannon gives a soul-stirring performance, reminiscent of his work as a schizophrenic in Sam Mendes' "Revolutionary Road," which earned him a Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor nomination. In "Take Shelter," Curtis's mother Sarah (Kathy Baker) was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in her early thirties, which leaves Curtis wondering if these visions are the first sign that he may also have a mental disorder.

It's this brilliant performance combined with director Jeff Nichols' subtle storytelling that creates a perfect combination of drama, terror, and paranoia-infused dread. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Jessica Chastain's work as Sam, the strung-out wife of a trouble man. Chastain has had a hell of a year: from Terrence Mallick's "Tree of life" to Tate Taylor's adaptation of "The Help," it's hard to say how many acting nominations she'll receive this year for her stellar work.

"Take Shelter" is an astounding film featuring performances that are some of the best I've seen this year. Nichols has created a fractured, subtle film that raises questions about the fragility of the human psyche and gladly ushers the audience into a descent of dreadful madness.

"This is a tasty burger!"

Like Crazy

2011-11-18T16:11:00.003-05:00

"Like Crazy"
I want you - I need you - I love you - I miss you.

Anton Yelchin and Felicity Jones in "Like Crazy"

Drake Doremus' latest film features Felicity Jones as Anna, a British college student who falls for Jacob (Anton Yelchin), an American student, only to be separated from him when she's banned from the U.S. after overstaying her visa.

"Like Crazy" is not a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy, nor is it the vacuous, cookie-cutter love story you've come to expect from a Nicholas Sparks novel. Simply put, "Like Crazy" is a realistic, heartfelt discourse on young love and the modern relationship.

There's a real chemistry at work in Doremus' film, and that's thanks in large part to amazing performances by Yelchin and Jones, who improvised the entire film. The two actors were provided only with a 50-page outline, which detailed plot points but ultimately allowed the actors freedom to make each scene their own.

Every interaction feels authentic, from an awkward first date at a coffee shop to Jacob's first time meeting Anna's parents, to fights in the kitchen stemming from text message jealousy.

Jennifer Lawrence ("Winter's Bone") and Charlie Bewley ("The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1") co-star as romantic distractions to Jacob and Anna, who drift apart as the distance between them grows. Ultimately, "Like Crazy" reminds us that nothing can be flawless. There is no happy ending - nothing is ever perfect - we make mistakes - situations arise that put strain and stress on relationships and pull us apart.

Though the film is realistic in its portrayal of young love, the whole premise hinges on the idea that someone would actually overstay their visa and simply ignore the laws and rules that come with that decision.

If Anna would have acted rationally and went to the airport and traveled back to the UK, none of this ever would have happened. Upon arriving back home, Anna and Jacob would have broken up after a couple months of long-distance phone tag.

But that's love isn't it, people doing crazy things that set off a chain of illogical, absurd events -- and once you're invested, you feel as if you have to carry on the craziness to completion.

Overall, "Like Crazy" is a touching, serene effort by Doremus that excels more so on the improvised performances of Yelchin and Jones than on the story itself.

"Hey everyone, come see how good I look!"

Brave

2011-11-17T23:31:00.003-05:00

Merida (Kelly Macdonald) is a skilled archer and impetuous daughter of King Fergus and Queen Elinor. Determined to carve her own path in life, Merida defies an age-old custom sacred to the uproarious lords of the land: massive Lord MacGuffin (Kevin McKidd), surly Lord Macintosh and cantankerous Lord Dingwall.

Merida's actions inadvertently unleash chaos and fury in the kingdom, and when she turns to an eccentric old Witch for help, she is granted an ill-fated wish. The ensuing peril forces Merida to discover the meaning of true bravery in order to undo a beastly curse before it's too late.

"Brave" opens in US theatres June 22, 2012.

Like "Brave" on Facebook: https://facebook.com/PixarBrave

Official "Brave" Website: http://disney.com/Brave

Martha Marcy Mae Marlene

2011-11-15T19:07:00.001-05:00

Cult Cinema
"There's no such thing as dead or alive; we just exist."

Elizabeth Olsen and Sarah Paulson star in "Martha Marcy Mae Marlene."

Director Sean Durkin's latest film, "Martha Marcy May Marlene," stars Elizabeth Olsen as Martha, a young woman who escapes from a cult in the Catskill Mountains led by a charismatic leader, Patrick (John Hawkes, "Winter's Bone").

To avoid being discovered by Patrick and his followers, Martha moves in with her sister Lucy, (Sarah Paulson) and her husband Ted (Hugh Dancy) in Connecticut. As Martha slowly makes the transition to a cult-free lifestyle, her increasing paranoia leads her to believe that Patrick and his followers may be watching her.

"Martha Marcy May Marlene" is a career-making film for Elizabeth Olsen, who is the younger sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. As the psychologically damaged Martha, Olsen provides a mesmerizing debut performance that is both subtle and fearless.

As Patrick, Hawkes channels David Koresh, the enigmatic leader of the Branch Davidians Sect. Patrick holds a power over his followers, a magnetism that pulls them close and refuses to let go. Throughout the film, male members of the cult can be seen playing guitar and singing songs for their female companions, however, they never sing actually words - they just make noises. Only Patrick is allowed to sing songs using actual language. It's this kind of discreet distinction that truly makes "Martha Marcy May Marlene" so memorable.

Patrick (John Hawkes) shows Martha how to fire a handgun.

The film is reminiscent of "Funny Games," Michael Haneke's 1997 film about torture and sadism -- a dark, haunting cinematic experience that builds slowly, ratcheting the tension higher with each passing moment.

As viewers, we are assaulted -- forced to relive the atrocities Martha suffered at Patrick's farm -- the rape, the senseless violence -- the utter hopelessness of it all. Like Martha, we grow increasingly paranoid as the film reaches its rather unclimactic climax - and if I have one point of criticism with Durkin's film, it's the ending.

Don't worry, I won't spoil the whole thing for you - but I do want to talk about this recent trend in storytelling - or rather, lack of storytelling. Lately, it seems like filmmakers wish to deny the audience the excitement and satisfaction of seeing a story carried to conclusion - giving us the climax we were promised.

It's nothing more than an effort to appear artsy, indie and refined -- a work of higher quality that refuses to pander to its audience. It's a bit of a cop-out to spin such a powerful yarn and have viewers truly invest in your characters only to end the film without a hint of resolution.

And sadly, "Martha Marcy May Marlene" just simply ends - a character study that spends 102 minutes slowly building suspense, allowing the drama to reach a terrifying level - without the conviction in its own storytelling to explore the brutal (or hopeful) outcome of said events. It's provocative to end the film in such an open-ended way, but at the end of the day it's completely unfair - not only to the audience but to the characters, who deserve a fate - whether it be pain and suffering or freedom.

In any case, the film remains a powerful work thanks to the incredible work of Olsen and Hawkes, who will no doubt receive award nominations for their performances. My only wish is that the film would have delivered on what filmmakers like Haneke and Darren Aronofsky don't shy away from - the inevitable tragedy of existence.

"This is a tasty burger!"

Cassette Tapes

2011-11-13T00:06:00.001-05:00

OK, so I got this idea tonight that I'm going to buy a cassette audio recorder and some blank cassette tapes and each time I go home to see my parents, I'm going to interview them - basically meaning I'm going to ask them lots of questions, being as I spent my entire childhood being a selfish self-centered child with no interest in who my parents actually were - and now I would like to know everything I can know about them.

The reason I'm doing cassette tapes is because they're more reliable - one wrong button push on a digital recorder and you could lose everything - such is not the case with a cassette tape. I can always convert these recordings to MP3 if I need to, but there's just something comforting about a cassette tape recorder - a sign of simpler times, a bit of nostalgia I guess. Surely I'm not the only kid who ever used record their favorite radio station to a cassette tape, am I?

Of course the one I purchase will be rather cheap, but did you know they still make top-of-the-line cassette tape recorders? Check this one out, which apparently costs $528 (in the year 2011). I was thinking something more along the lines of the Panasonic RQ2102 Cassette Recorder, which at $35.88 seems completely reasonable.

I just feel like in this era of immediacy - of instant gratification - that no one's really concerned with documenting anything. I don't want to miss out on knowing more about my parents, and more importantly, documenting their lives in some way - to keep their voices saved on magnetic tape to go back and listen to years from now - that seems pretty important to me.

I'm drunk. I watched "Revolutionary Road" tonight and took a drink every time shit got depressing - which is to say every single second of Sam Mendes' tragic film about the American Dream and life in suburbia.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all of this - but at least I'm writing, which is an improvement after several weeks with little-to-no motivation or inspiration to write anything. Now that I've got this idea stuck in my head, I can spend my time writing questions, plotting out timelines in which I can fill in the gaps with stories from my parents.

I guess I got this idea a couple weekends ago when I visited my parents and we watched "Psycho." I noted that Hitchcock's film was made in 1960 and asked my father (who was born in 1938) what he was doing in 1960.

He was married to his first wife, working a full-time job and had kids. He was 22 years old. That's... crazy to think about, being as I was born in 1984. There's a pretty big gap there, which is what I intend to flesh out.

Anyway, it's after Midnight and I should be passing out. I have to work tomorrow... cue the "Revolutionary Road" depression drinking game again.

Hotel Hedge Maze

2011-11-12T00:59:00.003-05:00

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

French Runway Model

2011-11-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

My God, where did you come from? You are gorgeous. Eyes, turquoise green with long black lashes. An elegant skeleton draped in flawless flesh, you are perfection cast in porcelain. I marvel at your design, left in awe by your soft curves and straight lines -- comely, prepossessing -- I will worship you in silence, lifting my eyes only to steal away a second of your beauty.

When I first saw you, I thought you were a French runway model - tall and slender, fashionable in Italian-made eyeglasses, standard black square frames. Soft pink lips, I would die to hear the last syllable of my name delivered, whispered in my ear -- to have my hands around your waist, slow dancing to vinyl records in the living room.

I would die to know such peace, such perfection --- to spend every day living in your life, waking up to your smile, coming home to your gorgeous green eyes, black lashes batted in my general direction. I would surely die, but it's this little fantasy that keeps me alive. It's something I think of as I drift off to sleep at night - you painted in porcelain, beneath the sheets with my name resting on your lips.

My First DVD Cover!

2011-11-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

My first DVD cover quote, courtesy of Incognito Cinema Warriors XP (ICWXP) and Moviehole.

ICWXP EPISODE 201 - VICTORY GARDENS / WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU DECOMPOSE

The Short Film - "Victory Gardens"
Jane & Dick Holder (what are you snickering at?) are two average children. At least, that's what the Germans would have us believe. Turns out, there's no fun at all to be had with Dick & Jane. The two of them are forced to toil the fields on their family's WWII-era Victory Garden. That'll show those Nazi Bastards.

ICWXP - "Wake Me Up Before You Decompose"
It's been five long years of bad movies since Commander Rick Wolf first arrived at Cine-A-Sorrow Theater, but as far as he remembers, it's only been five days. After Topsy & Cylon launch a rescue to free him from his imprisonment below the theater, Rick awakens to discover his "FML" situation has gone from bad, to bad bad bad.

Squee at the new Sci-Fi-Horror Comedy laughs as the world of ICWXP opens up wide in this, the first in a new series of story-driven episodes.

DVD EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL FEATURES:

• Episode 202 Preview
• Remodeling the Set (Feaurette)
• Johnny Cylon Gets His Legs (Feaurette)
• Rick Vs. Bride of the Gorilla
• Hammerlord - Tombstone Piledriver (Music Video)
• Audio Commentary with Rikk Wolf & Nick Evans
• Audio Commentary with Rikk Wolf
• Zombie Walk: Kansas City

Here's my review, from which the quote was pulled:

"Incognito Cinema Warriors XP is fucking awesome, that's all there is to it. Being a fan of MST3K and RiffTrax, I can say in all confidence that ICWXP is the best of the bunch. Simply put, it's the best time I've ever had sitting in front of a television. Well, except for the first time I ever watched Star Wars - or Ghostbusters - or RoboCop - but you get the point."

Poster / Queen

2011-10-21T12:56:00.000-04:00

Posters / Bedroom Wall
Swimsuit Models / TV Personalities
Waterfalls / White Sand Beaches
String Bikinis / Lipstick Kisses

Pretty, Pretty / Tacked
To the Wall / Centerfolds
Stapled / And Folded Well
Stereo Speakers / The Audio Gospel

Blue Lagoons / Turquoise Eyes
Swimsuit Models / On Bedroom Walls
Green Bikinis / Glistening Wet
Sex Appeal / Pre-Internet

Teenage Dream / Skeleton Suits
Swimsuit Girls / Silver Screen
Scream Queens / Thumbtacks
TV Girls Taped / Summer Sun

The Thing (2011)

2011-10-14T19:19:00.011-04:00

Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.'s new film, "The Thing," is not a remake. It's actually a prequel to John Carptenter's 1982 film of the same name, which in itself is a remake of Howard Hawks' 1951 classic, "The Thing from Another World."

Taking place a few days before the events of Carpenter's film, paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is recruited by scientist (and opportunist) Sander Halversen (Ulrich Thomsen) to join a Norwegian research team that has stumbled across a crashed extraterrestrial spaceship buried beneath the ice of Antarctica.

Upon examining the crash site, the crew discovers the frozen remains of an organism that seems to have died in the crash eons ago. After recovering the creature in a block of ice, they transport it back to their research station and (foolishly) conduct an experiment which frees the alien from its icy tomb.

After escaping, the thing begins killing and imitating the crew one at a time, using its ability to mimic any life form it absorbs through digestion. Now Kate (in bad-ass Ripley mode) and helicopter pilot Carter (Joel Edgerton, in bad-ass Kurt Russell mode) must stop the creature from reaching civilization.

John Carpenter's "The Thing" is one of my all-time favorite movies, and it's pretty obvious the film holds a special spot in Heijningen's heart as well. I can't stress how bad this could have been -- but instead it was treated with a certain level of respect and fondness for the source material that is rarely seen in modern horror.

While a prequel to Carpenter's film is ultimately unnecessary, given the option of a prequel, sequel or remake, the prequel is the lesser of evils. Heijningen's film is well-made and cleverly conceived with believable characters and the perfect blend of practical and computer-generated effects.

And let's talk about those effects for a moment. Carpenter's film is beloved for it's masterful use of makeup, stop-motion animation and practical effects to bring the monster to life in-camera -- thanks to skilled visionaries like Rob Bottin and Stan Winston. In Heijningen's film, the effects are an amalgam of animatronic puppets and computer-generated effects -- reminiscent of Frank Darabont's "The Mist."

A brilliant move on Heijningen's part was to recruit makeup and special effects gurus Alec Gillis and Tom Woodruff Jr., two guys responsible for some of the greatest creature effects of all time ("Aliens," "Terminator") to give the film credibility.

I remember watching making-of footage of "Aliens" and "Alien 3" and seeing Woodruff creep around corridors in the Alien suit, thinking he had the coolest damn job in the world -- and it's good to see them filling in for the late Stan Winston here, paying homage to effects he helped pioneer.

"Get away from her you bitch!" -- oh wait, wrong movie.

The only real issue with a prequel to such a suspenseful film is, you're already familiar with the formula, so the suspense is lessened by a common knowledge of what the thing is capable of - that it could be hiding inside anyone.

In any case, screenwriter Eric Heisserer follows Carpenter's continuity rather flawlessly and manages to expound on things previously hinted at in the 1982 film while not entirely spoiling the mystery established.

"The Thing" doesn't reinvent the wheel. It's guilty of borrowing too much from its previous incarnations. In that way, the film has become the titular monster itself, desperately trying to imitate the look and feel of something more authentic. To its credit, Heijningen's prequel does pull off something rather impossible in 2011 -- a competent horror film.

Bottom Line: If you love Carpenter's remake, you'll be satisfied with this prequel. While it's formulaic and altogether unneeded, it's a nice piece of genre filmmaking with a kick-ass female battling monsters with flamethrower. What more could you possibly ask for out of a prequel to an '80s B-movie based on a '50s B-movie?

Final Thoughts: In this decade we've already seen a "Predator" sequel and a prequel to "The Thing"- soon followed by "Prometheus," Ridley Scott's "Alien" prequel in 2012, and José Padilha's "Robocop" remake in 2013. Don't forget the inevitable "Terminator" sequel somewhere along the way.

All of the iconic movie monsters of my early adolescence are returning, and while I could be completely cynical and jaded and go on at length about how bad these films could potentially be, I couldn't be more excited to see all my old favorites on the big screen again. Now, if I could just get a "Critters" remake or a "Mothra" reboot, I'd be totally set.

"Hey everyone, come see how good I look!"

Horror Prequels

2011-10-14T18:49:00.002-04:00

After “The Thing,” which horror films also need a prequel?

by Adam Frazier

Hollywoodnews.com: With Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.’s prequel to John Carpenter’s “The Thing” now in theaters, we decided to look at three horror films that could use a bit of the old retroactive storytelling treatment.

The problem is, most of the influential (and not-so-memorable) horror films of our time have already been remade, which makes it hard to justify a prequel. If you look at recent horror remakes like “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or Rob Zombie’s “Halloween,” these films serve more as prequel/remake hybrids as they attempt to explain the motives of their killers by showing us their origins.

We’ve seen this before with 2006’s “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning,” which showed the birth of Leatherface. Oh, and don’t you dare forget about 2004’s “Exorcist: The Beginning.” Years before Father Merrin helped save Regan MacNeil’s soul, he encountered the demon Pazuzu in East Africa.

Pazuzu. Yeah, sure – whatever. Also consider “Amityville II: The Possession,” the 1982 film which served as a prequel to Stuart Rosenberg’s 1979 original. No other genre has seen more remakes, sequels, prequels and reboots than horror — but there are still a few titles worthy of further exploration.

“Predator.”

Ok, so it isn’t necessarily a horror film. It’s more of a science-fiction thriller with loads of explosions — but it’s got a scary looking monster who stalks soldiers in the jungle and kills them (in grotesque, terrifying ways) one by one.

The most interesting thing left unexplored about the Predator to me is the creature itself. The Predator isn’t just some mindless movie monster. It’s an advanced life form with its own code and set of beliefs.

It hunts for sport, but refuses to fight an unarmed opponent. In various films we’ve seen the Predator as an honorable, deadly opponent – and yet we only have hints as to where they come from or why they honor the hunt.

Think “Apocalypto” meets “Avatar” — a prequel that takes place on the Predator homeworld and examines the culture of these intergalactic hunters. Tribes of warriors riding fierce beasts, hunting exotic game, elders teaching younglings the way of the hunt.

There’s so much to explore – why do they hunt? What is their relationship with their environment? Do they have any natural predators? Who are their Gods? How do they behave socially towards one another — do they interact in families? What are their politics?

Of course the prequel would follow our hero Predator on his first intergalactic hunt — a trip to our planet that would no-doubt reference the antique flintlock pistol labeled Raphael Adolini 1715 that was presented by an elder Predator to Danny Glover’s character in “Predator 2.”

“Trick ‘r Treat.”

Mike Dougherty’s 2007 film is an anthology of four Halloween-related spook stories. The common element that ties the stories together is the presence of Sam, a creepy pint-sized trick-or-treater wearing shabby orange pajamas with a burlap sack over his head.

Sam makes an appearance in each story as a ‘friendly-reminder’ to those who break Halloween traditions, which brings me to why “Trick ‘r Treat” should be horror’s next great franchise — the possibilities are limitless.

First off, there’s only been a handful of truly great horror films that are related to Halloween. Instead of watching a watered-down “Saw” or “Paranormal Activity” sequel each October, we could be enjoying the spiritual successor to “Creepshow” that actually gets us in the holiday spirit.

In a prequel we could explore the origins of Halloween and the Celtic festival of Samhain, an anthology of stories filled with witches and warlocks — pumpkin carving and apple bobbing, the origins of trick-or-treating — and of course some ghoulish mishaps involving monsters and madmen.

A couple of recent shorts for FEARnet have featured Sam, which gives me hope that he’ll be back. Check out “Back to School” and “Making Friends” if you haven't already.

“Alien.”

If there was ever a film that deserved a prequel, it’s Ridley Scott’s “Alien.” The 1979 film features an aggressive extraterrestrial creature that stalks and kills the crew of a spaceship. A truly terrifying film, “Alien” keeps its audience in the dark (literally and figuratively) with pitch-black interiors and a plot riddled with mysteries.

What is the Space Jockey? Why is it transporting the Aliens? What is the Derelict Ship? Where do they come from?

Luckily, Ridley Scott’s “Prometheus,” coming in 2012, will attempt to answer these questions. The film is technically a prequel to “Alien” but won’t be directly related to the storyline. Instead it will be a different story in the same universe that deals less with space marines and Xenomorphs and more with the very meaning of human existence.

Early rumors and vague plot details suggest the film is poised to play with the idea that what think people of as “gods” are, in actuality, members of a highly-advanced alien race – what we’ve known for all these years as the Space Jockey.

So maybe it was a bit of a copout to include “Alien” on this list, but honestly of all the horror franchises that have been remade and rebooted, no one ever bothered to explore the ideas and mysteries presented in Scott’s original film. “Prometheus” looks to be an extremely promising prequel – just the fact that Ridley Scott is still interested in exploring that universe 30 years later gives me hope this won’t be another case of Father Merrin and Pazuzu.

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A Well-Placed Grave

2011-10-09T23:22:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of misconceptions about my line of work. I'm a gravedigger, plain and simple - I ain't no caretaker or mortician or some son of a bitch who sells you the burial plot. I'm the swingin' dick that's putting you down, tucking you in for the long sleep.

I was, anyways. There ain't much use for old boys like me anymore - not with Caterpillar hydraulic excavators and backhoes. I ain't never been much for technology - a flashlight is good, a cigarette lighter is better - but that's about all the use I got for it. I'm a shovel and pickaxe man, yes I am.

First thing I do is measure. You've got to measure the length, width, and depth of the casket. Next you've got to examine the ground. It's good to avoid hard clay if you can, but you don't want to go digging in soft either. Once you've got all that shit figured out, you're ready to dig.

Now most people will tell you that your standard grave is six feet deep. They're wrong. You see, that's a major misconception about my line of work right there. The modern grave is only four feet deep. Why? Well, caskets used to be made of wood. The wood would decompose along with corpse you see, and collapse under the weight of the dirt.

Burying it six feet from the top layer of soil (the sod, where most of the grassroots are) would ensure that the collapse wouldn't create a sinkhole. Believe me, last thing you want is a cemetery full of damn sink spots - you get a real heavy rain to come through and every damn last one of those graves will be washed out.

Now the modern casket, that's a totally different story. Nowadays, the body is placed in an expensive box made with wood and steel, polished up real nice. You can buy the bare minimum for around eight-hundred bucks, but most of the nicer ones will cost you well past four-thousand.

Once the body is laid to rest in the ceremonial casket, it's then placed in a concrete box with a flat lid - like the Egyptian sarcophagi of old -- a vault to protect the expensive casket from the elements.

Some box and vault companies offer a vault where the lining of the lid has the same type of tar used to install windshields in cars. That shit is sticky as hell and it never damn dries. It seals the concrete and is very hard to break. The concrete box ensures that it won't sink -- which is why it doesn't need to be buried as deep.

A typical grave is 4 feet deep, 8 feet long, and 3 feet wide. After measuring, you've got to remove the sod. Sod is tough and holds together pretty well so you'll have to peel it back first. I like to think of it like cutting brownies out of a cooking pan.

You start by using a shovel that has a flat blade and cut the sod outlining the grave -- as well as straight down the middle. Then you cut across every 11 inches or so. You'll have 16 pieces of sod, which is a Hell of a lot more manageable than one big slab.

You pry up the sod with the shovel and shave off a little on the bottom to make it all flat. Once you've set aside all the sod pieces, you can start to dig. Now this right here is important. You've got to remember that ultimately you're placing something back into the ground -- so you've got to compensate for the displacement.

I've found that you can usually dispose of the top two feet of dirt and then shovel the rest in the middle to fill in the grave after the casket has been lowered. Now when you're just digging the dirt, you're typically going to use a spade. Make sure you keep at least a wheelbarrow of dirt from the top two feet, as you'll most likely need it. Always have extra dirt on hand.

Well, anyway, that's a start. If I open a grave a day before hand (before the funeral that is), I usually throw a couple sheets of plywood over the hole so some damn idiot doesn't fall in. It's a good idea to cover both the hole and the dirt with a pinned down tarp to keep people from nosin' around.

I don't know how they do it other places, but the mortuary here has artificial grass rugs to place over all the dirt so it still looks nice for the funeral. Now comes the best part of the job.

After the service is done and everyone has said their goodbyes, I get my check. After I get my pay, I can start filling the grave. Filling in is pretty easy - you stand in the grave, on top of the concrete box and use a square-nosed shove to scoop the dirt and pull it towards you. I usually bring me a cooler and drink a few cold ones and smoke a few cigarettes - ain't nothing finer, I'm telling you.

After you get close to filling it, you want to have the dirt three to four inches from the top of the grave. Try to compact the dirt with your boots. Now you want to start placing the sod back on. The way I have done it is filling it in so the sod is sticking up a couple inches, placing 1-2 sheets of my shitty plywood on top, and then pushing the sod down by driving over the grave a couple times with my pickup truck.

When done correctly, the grave should be pretty flat. The grass is matted after using the plywood, so I usually use a leaf blower to fluff the grass up and blow away any excess dirt. Then I'll take a little time to arrange the flowers everybody left and that's it - I'm done for the day.

The machinery makes things so impersonal these days. I take pride in the fact that I've buried thousands of people - people whose names I can't seem to shake. People who were loved, who are missed by those left behind.

I don't know how many more graves I've got left in me - how many paychecks I'll collect - but I do know this -- I won't be buried here. I won't be put down by no son of a bitch in an excavator. I'm going to get cremated. No fancy caskets or concrete vaults for me -- just a cardboard box and a coffee can to put the ashes in.

Tucker & Dale Vs. Footloose

2011-10-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

Tucker And Dale, Hillbillies with Hearts of Gold

"Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil" is a side-splitting horror comedy by first-time director Eli Craig. The film stars Alan Tudyk ("Firefly") and Tyler Labine ("Rise of the Planet of the Apes") as Tucker and Dale, two best friends on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin deep in the heart of the Appalachia.

Amidst fishin' and drinkin' Pabst Blue Ribbon, these dim-witted country boys are mistaken for murderous backwoods hillbillies by a group of obnoxious college kids. When one of the students (Katrina Bowden of "30 Rock") gets separated from her friends, the lovable duo of Tucker and Dale try to lend a hand, but as the misunderstanding grows, so does the body count.

Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald star in "Footloose."

"Hustle & Flow" and "Black Snake Moan" director Craig Brewer helms this remake of the popular 1984 musical romance about a big-city teenager who moves to a town where dancing has been outlawed. Uprooted from Boston and transplanted to the small Bible Belt town of Bomont after the death of his mother, Ren MacCormack (Kenny Wormald) finds himself in a repressed community still reeling from its own devastating loss.

Three years ago, five kids were killed in a tragic car accident following a local dance. As a result, the honorable Reverend Shaw Moore (Dennis Quaid) and the Bomont councilmen passed a strict ordinance outlawing dancing and loud music.

Convinced that rules were made to be broken, rebellious Ren puts on his dancing shoes and wins the heart of Reverend Moore's daughter, Ariel (Julianne Hough of "Dancing with the Stars"), while showing his fellow classmates how to cut loose.

Real Steel

2011-10-07T11:24:00.001-04:00

The Sweet Science meets Science-Fiction...

"Trash doesn’t belong to the academic tradition, and that’s part of the fun of trash—that you know (or should know) that you don’t have to take it seriously, that it was never meant to be anymore than frivolous and trifling and entertaining." -- Pauline Kael, "Trash, Art, and the Movies."

Richard Matheson's short story Steel first appeared in the May 1956 edition of The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. The story, which was later adapted as an episode of "The Twilight Zone," serves as the inspiration for director Shawn Levy's new film, "Real Steel."

"Real Steel" is set in the not-to-distant future where robot boxing is a top sport. No longer satiated by the rules and limitations of human boxing, audiences crave the no-holds-barred mechanized mayhem that the World Robot Boxing League offers.

Hugh Jackman stars as Charlie Kenton, a washed-up fighter from the olden days who has become a small-time promoter for robot fights. Kenton pieces together low-end bots from scrap metal to get from one underground boxing venue to the next. When he hits rock bottom, he reluctantly teams up with his estranged son Max (Dakota Goyo) to build and train a championship contender.

"Real Steel" is an amalgam of "Over the Top" and "Rocky," with spare parts from "Bloodsport," "The Wizard" and a half-dozen other '80s movies. If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing 1987's "Over the Top," allow me to give you the synopsis:

"Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) is a struggling trucker who's trying to rebuild his life. After the death of his wife, he tries to make amends with his son who he left behind years earlier. Upon their first meeting, his son doesn't think too highly of him until he enters the nation-wide arm wrestling competition in Las Vegas." -- IMDB

"Over the top, Dad!"

Sure, "Over the Top" is trash - but it's a damn good time. Who can forget Sylvester Stallone tossing Terry Funk through a plate glass window -- or just the general fact that Lincoln Hawk is competing in an arm wrestling tournament for the custody of his estranged son?

But anyway, back to my point. In "Real Steel," Max's mother dies and he's dumped on the doorstep of Keaton, who is your typical deadbeat dad eager to sign over custody to get back to his boozin' and brawlin' ways -- but they eventually end up on the road together, and instead of touring bars for arm wrestling matches, they're playing Rock'em Sock'em Robots in nightclubs and junkyards -- pretty fucking awesome, right?

"Real Steel" won't be winning any BAFTA awards -- it's pure cinematic junk food, the respectable kind of popcorn trash that helps us enjoy the highbrow pleasures of lowbrow art -- and that's all it intends to be. There's just enough characterization to keep you interested in-between the action -- and Hugh Jackman is completely invested and sells his character -- a considerable upgrade as Jackman's chops gives "Real Steel" the kind of credibility "Over the Top" never had.

My head just exploded from how awesome this image is...

Dakota Goyo is reminiscent of Jake Lloyd in "The Phantom Menace" -- if Anakin wasn't a whiny bitch who only opened his mouth to scream "Whoops" and "Yippee!" You actually like the kid, and his relationship with Jackman is tangible and believable. Overall, I found the film to be flimsy, yet highly entertaining. If anything it's well-made, which is more than I can say for most of this year's exercises in popcorn garbage.

If you're still a kid at heart, you'll probably love it - if you have kids, they'll think it's a goddamn masterpiece -- the same way I felt when I saw "Bloodsport" and "Over the Top" for the first time. So, with that being said, here's the part in my review where I go all-out for the DVD box quote:

The "Citizen Kane" of fighting robot movies! A real knock-out! "Real Steel" is the Reel Deal!

"Hey everyone, come see how good I look!"

Attack the Block

2011-09-20T18:42:00.001-04:00

It's Inner City vs. Outer Space in Joe Cornish's "Attack the Block."

Writer and director Joe Cornish's "Attack the Block" is a blood-splattered mishmash of "Kick-Ass" with equal parts of "Critters" and "Monster Squad" stirred in -- and a dash of "Alien" for good measure.

From the producers of "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz," "Attack the Block" follows a gang of tough inner-city teenagers who try to defend their turf against an invasion of savage alien creatures, turning a South London apartment complex into an extraterrestrial war zone.

While returning home, nurse Sam (Jodie Whittaker) is mugged by a gang of teenagers: Pest (Alex Esmail), Dennis (Franz Drameh), Jerome (Leeon Jones), Biggz (Simon Howard) and leader Moses (John Boyega). The attack is interrupted when an object falls from the sky into a nearby car -- the beginnings of a full-on alien invasion.

The gang and their would-be victim must now fight for their lives as hordes of nasty killing machines invade the slums of South London. First and foremost, the creature design in this film is phenomenal, presenting the beasties as blacker-than-black silhouettes with fluorescent fangs - a throwback to H.R. Giger's designs from "Alien."

If you were to ask Guillermo del Toro ("Pan's Labyrinth") what makes a monster, he would tell you it's all about the biology of the best -- the design has to be functional -- and the creatures in "Attack the Block" are both attractive and unnerving in their simplicity.

The gang is forced to fight these beasts with only the items made available to your average teenage hoodlum -- fireworks, katana swords, super-soakers filled with gasoline -- riding their bikes and scooters through the deserted streets of South London, cutting down creatures with bloody satisfaction.

In a year that has seen both charming ("Super 8") alien films and atrocious ones ("Battle: Los Angeles"), "Attack the Block" is certainly the most vicious. It's an instant cult classic -- destined for Midnight screenings and double-features with films like "Shaun of the Dead," "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" and James Gunn's "Super."

Bottom Line: "Attack the Block" is an energetic science-fiction film with plenty of wit and style to go around - a throwback to the '80s cult classics like "Critters" and "Gremlins" with a bit of the old ultra-violence for good measure. The ensemble is brilliant with Nick Frost and newcomer John Boyega stealing the show -- not to mention the kick-ass soundtrack which mashes up Basement Jaxx and orchestrated film scores.

"This is a tasty burger!"

Copper Beach

2011-09-19T22:44:00.003-04:00

I have all these little words for you. I'm unable to put them to suitable use at the moment, unfortunately. Like little magnetic alphabet letters scrambled and scattered across the refrigerator door, nothing seems to make sense -- emotional dyslexia, I suppose.

You probably don't realize this, but when you called the other night (drunk at 12:52 AM) you had the sweetest, slurred voice I've ever heard -- it almost broke my heart, honestly. I hate to hear you upset -- and yet it seems this is how I hear you most.

Obviously I care about you -- I have for quite some time and I honestly don't see anything changing, no matter where you are or who you decide to be with. I just want you to know if you ever need anything, I'll be here -- or anywhere you need me to be.

You deserve someone who's going to be good to you. You are an amazing, beautiful girl who deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with you - wants to spend time with you and not put all of their time and effort into selfish, meaningless bullshit.

I could write pages and pages of letters and words, sentences and paragraphs -- but for all the adjectives and poetic prose I could use, it would all amount to the same thing. I care about you. I know you'll be just fine -- you'll figure things out, find a roommate, move out, get back on track -- and you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve.

It might not be tonight, or next week or six months from now -- it might take a year or two - but everything happens for a reason -- you will be loved by someone who won't mistreat you or take you for granted.

Drive

2011-09-17T11:44:00.000-04:00

Adapted from James Sallis's 2005 novel, "Drive" is not for the faint of heart. Director Nicolas Winding Refn's film is a violent and surreal tone poem influenced by Steve McQueen's "Bulitt" and the work of Chilean filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky. It is a powerful, unrelenting work of intensity.

The Driver (Ryan Gosling), who remains unnamed throughout the film, works at a garage, picks up occasional stunt driving work, and moonlights as a getaway driver. Gosling's character is someone who has a purpose, excels at something and makes no apologies for it.

The Driver becomes involved with his neighbor, Irene (Carey Mulligan), and her young son, Benicio (Kaden Leos). Driver and Irene appear to be slowly developing a romantic connection when her husband, Standard (Oscar Isaac), comes home from prison. He is then involved in a heist that goes horribly wrong that puts Irene and Benicio in danger, sending the Driver on a one-man mission to stop their pursuers.

The Driver is reminiscent of Clint Eastwood's character from Sergio Leone's "Dollars Trilogy." He is a man of few words and probably says less than 20 lines in the whole film, further exemplifying his isolation.

Gosling's performance is nothing short of brilliant - whether he's driving at breakneck speed or simply sitting at a dinner table with Carey Mulligan, he is never less than riveting.

"Drive" is an exhilarating piece of cinema that will startle mainstream audiences at multiplexes - moments of shocking violence and brutality were met with nervous laughter as people simply couldn't accept what they were watching.

We're all desensitized to violence because we've come to expect it, but the moments in "Drive" are always unexpected. This is a film that mainstream audiences don't deserve to see, honestly.

It's becoming more and more apparent most moviegoers don't know how to conduct themselves when watching a real piece of cinema -- they've been spoon-fed the same tripe time and time again that they've become ADD in their need for constant stimulation and instant gratification.

This is not "Fast and the Furious" or "Gone in 60 Seconds" -- it isn't meant to be a summer thrill-ride. Rather it is a poetic, entrancing experience that refuses to give in to cliches and mainstream impulses.

While the film is getting a wide release, I would recommend finding a small, out of the way theater and going to enjoy this film in the middle of the day, away from the idiots who spend their two hours in the dark chomping on popcorn and slurping away at 64 oz. sodas.

A brilliant film with impeccable direction and pacing, a fantastic ensemble of actors and an amazing soundtrack, "Drive" is easily one of my favorite films of the year and stands as a breakout performance for Ryan Gosling, who is no doubt Hollywood's new leading man.

Fucked / Trapped

2011-09-12T08:25:00.090-04:00

I'm tired. I am so fucking tired. I'm tired of working at this goddamn job where nothing I do is appreciated and I'm punished for things beyond my control. How did I end up here? I have a college degree in journalism - I'm a decent writer - why am I working at a goddamn call center where I am constantly kept on a leash and treated like a lesser species?

The idea was you make good grades in high school to go to a good college. You go to a good college and excel in your field of study in order to get a good job. You graduate from college and... and... and... you're totally fucked. Welcome to America - welcome to the job market, where every day newspapers and publications close down and there's no such thing as a full-time writer anymore. I can barely find a damn freelance job that pays - much less enough freelancing jobs to make it a full-time hustle.

The Daily Beast posted an article a while back titled, “20 Most Useless College Majors.” The journalists who wrote the story concluded that a B.A. in journalism (what I have) is the most useless degree of all.

According to the report, data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics was reviewed to come up with the list, including starting- and mid-career salary levels, the expected change in the total number of jobs from 2008 to 2018 and the expected percentage change in available jobs from 2008 to 2018.

Transitional times in any industry are problematic, but the change going on in journalism is downright frightening. While the variety of platforms for news writing, news photography and news videography increases, the value of an education in journalism decreases -- the fact that I have a blog and write for numerous entertainment websites is evidence of this fact.

So what do I do? Go to grad school for creative writing or some shit? I guess I'll trade one worthless degree for another at that point - not that the idea of grad school is worthless, but when it comes to making money, taking out loans to go to school for something that ultimately has no guaranteed success behind it seems counterproductive.

So what then, am I stuck in the never-ending grind? I feel trapped - I don't know how my father's generation did it - but then again, they had job security and real tangible things like retirement, savings accounts, social security -- things completely lost on my generation.

My mother would categorize the disgust I'm feeling as "damned if ya do, damned if ya don't," and she'd be correct. I've decided I'm no longer interested in trying to climb the twisted fucked up corporate ladder -- I think it's time to move on and try to find something closer to my calling, which is to write and relate with people.

The worst part is, the economy is so fucking bad - the state of America is so horrendous - that there aren't any other jobs out there - so on the one hand I should be thankful for feeling so fucked over by my job because at least I have a job to be fucked over on, but then again - there's only so much a man can take before he has to stand up and do something drastic...

I'm reminded of Jason Reitman's wonderful film, "Up in the Air."

Ryan Bingham: Your resume says you minored in French Culinary Arts. Most students work the frier at KFC. You busted tables at Il Picatorre to support yourself. Then you got out of college and started working here. How much did they pay you to give up on your dreams?

Bob : Twenty-seven thousand a year.

Ryan Bingham : At what point were you going to stop and go back to what made you happy?

I feel defeated, disgusted and downright worthless at the moment - sick to my stomach over this shit. Sometimes it's enough to make you want to pack it up and head back home - start all over.

Gas Station Spiritual

2011-09-12T00:17:00.004-04:00

I catch a glimpse of the Moon through the pines as it drifts behind branches and clouds. I follow its full and yellow brilliance to a gas station parking lot, where I stand for several minutes -- simply staring up at the night sky.

I put on headphones, A Tribe Called Quest the soundtrack to my moonlight walk -- "Oh My God" as I light up a cigarillo. I don't smoke, but this Spanish guy at the gas station offered me one so I took it.

I figured it would look less conspicuous if I smoked while standing around the middle of the parking lot. Even in the midst of a Sunday night existential crisis I remain undercover.

I'm left in awe of this satellite that orbits our planet. The average distance from Earth to the Moon is 384,403 kilometers, or 238,857 miles if you're of the non-metric persuasion.

I read somewhere that a human will walk roughly 108,131 miles in the course of their lifetime. There's a whole lot of factors that go into that estimate obviously, but even still you're not even half-way to the Moon.

That's kind of depressing, isn't it? Or maybe it's just humbling -- or maybe it's inconsequential to the fact that I am standing here in the middle of a gas station parking lot on a Sunday night, smoking a grape-flavored cigarillo from a Spanish guy wearing a wife-beater tank top and a red bandanna. The playlist shuffles itself to one of Skip James' 1930s recordings -- "Hard Time Killin' Floor," I think.

I fucking love outer space. I love Carl Sagan, too. "We wish to pursue the truth no matter where it leads. But to find the truth, we need imagination and skepticism both."

Sagan kind of sums up what I'm all about in that sentence. I consider myself to be imaginative -- creative in the way a restless child takes crayons to the pristine off-white paint of a bedroom wall.

I am curious by nature, skeptical of the answers given to me by the authority -- whoever that may be. I prefer to do my own research, to find as many takes on a topic before subscribing to a particular point of view -- and I am of course critical.

He continues, "We will not be afraid to speculate, but we will be careful to distinguish speculation from fact. The cosmos is full beyond measure of elegant truths; of exquisite interrelationships; of the awesome machinery of nature."

The awesome machinery of nature - I love that. I'll leave you with this: "The size and age of the Cosmos are beyond ordinary human understanding. Lost somewhere between immensity and eternity is our tiny planetary home. In a cosmic perspective, most human concerns seem insignificant, even petty. And yet our species is young and curious and brave and shows much promise."

"In the last few millennia we have made the most astonishing and unexpected discoveries about the Cosmos and our place within it, explorations that are exhilarating to consider. They remind us that humans have evolved to wonder, that understanding is a joy, that knowledge is prerequisite to survival. I believe our future depends powerfully on how well we understand this Cosmos in which we float like a mote of dust in the morning sky."

I feel like a mote of dust floating in the morning sky -- an insignificant speck armed with only the music in my ears and the sweet taste of grape-flavored cigarillo on my lips.

Tonight I will drink a beer and dream of the Moon -- of floating in space -- into the cold, infinite unknown. Perhaps I will find peace, if only for a minute or two, before waking up to greet this harsh, unrelenting existence.

Journal of the Whills

2011-09-10T17:59:00.005-04:00

With the release of “The Star Wars Saga” on Blu-Ray only a week away, I thought it might be interesting to go back and examine George Lucas’s space opera as it existed in early drafts and story treatments before it became the influential blockbuster we all know and love.

The Journal of the Whills, Part I (1973) was a handwritten two-page partial outline for the story that would, after many rewrites and explorations of ideas, become “Star Wars” (1977).

The outline begins: "This is the story of Mace Windy, a revered Jedi-bendu of Ophuchi, as related to us by Chuiee Two Thorpe of Kissel, padawaan learner to the famed Jedi." It is noted that Chuiee’s father is Han Dardell Thorpe, chief pilot of the renown galactic cruiser Tarnack.

When Chuiee turns sixteen years of age, he enters the Intersystems Academy to train as a potential Jedi-Templer. There he becomes padawaan learner to Mace Windy, a Warlord to the Chairman of the Alliance of Independent Systems.

Windy becomes the victim of a political conspiracy: those who fear that Windy is more powerful than the Imperial leader of the Galactic Empire, some of those being his own comrades, arrange for his replacement and expulsion from the royal forces. Though Windy has been dismissed, Chuiee begs to stay on in his service.

This leads to the even more fragmented story of Journal of the Whills, Part II. Skip ahead four years, where Windy and Chuiee have their greatest adventure. They guard a shipment of “fusion portables” to Yavin, where they are then summoned to the desolate planet Yoshiro (perhaps inspired by "Yojimbo" actor Toshiro Mifune) by a mysterious courier sent by the Alliance Chairman himself. At this point Lucas’s space-fantasy trails off.

Aside from not having a clear beginning, the style of the Journal is inconsistent. Whereas the First Saga (Part I) is expository, written in the past tense with a third person perspective, another known excerpt, from early script drafts, is written in a formatted poetic style reminiscent of religious texts. The excerpt reads as follows:

"... And in the time of greatest
despair there shall come a savior,
and he shall be known as:
THE SON OF THE SUNS."
-- Journal of the Whills, 3:127

Although it has never been confirmed, it’s likely that this excerpt deals with the Prophecy of the Chosen One, as it does make what could be considered references to Anakin Skywalker, or possibly his son.

In his early drafts, George Lucas ostensibly planned to use the Journal of the Whills as a plot device to connect the Star Wars galaxy to our own.

In Star Wars: The Annotated Screenplays, Lucas explains, "Originally, I was trying to have the story be told by somebody else; there was somebody watching this whole story and recording it, somebody probably wiser than the mortal players in the actual events.”

“I eventually dropped this idea, and the concept behind the Whills turned into the Force. But the Whills became part of this massive amount of notes, quotes, background information that I used for the scripts; the stories were actually taken from the Journal of the Whills."

In The Making of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Lucas mentions that he intended the stories told in his films to be relayed to a Keeper of the Whills by R2-D2, who would record them in the Journal. This event would take place roughly 100 years after “Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi.”

The first novelization of “Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope” was published in 1976 as Star Wars: From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker.

Credited to George Lucas, the novel was actually ghostwritten by Alan Dean Foster -- who later wrote the first Expanded Universe novel, Splinter of the Mind's Eye.

In place of the iconic scrolling text from the “Star Wars” film, Foster begins the novelization with an excerpt from the Journal of the Whills describing Emperor Palpatine's rise to power. Here’s the entire prologue:

Another galaxy, another time.

The Old Republic was the Republic of legend, greater than distance or time. No need to note where it was or whence it came, only to know that... it was the Republic.

Once, under the wise rule of the Senate and the protection of the Jedi Knights, the Republic throve and grew. But as often happens when wealth and power pass beyond the admirable and attain the awesome, then appear those evil ones who have greed to match.

So it was with the Republic at its height. Like the greatest of trees, able to withstand any external attack, the Republic rotted from within though the danger was not visible from outside.

Aided and abetted by restless, power-hungry individuals within the government, and the massive organs of commerce, the ambitious Senator Palpatine caused himself to be elected President of the Republic. He promised to reunite the disaffected among the people and to restore the remembered glory of the Republic.

Once secure in office he declared himself Emperor, shutting himself away from the populace. Soon he was controlled by the very assistants and boot-lickers he had appointed to high office, and the cries of the people for justice did not reach his ears.

Having exterminated through treachery and deception the Jedi Knights, guardians of justice in the galaxy, the Imperial governors and bureaucrats prepared to institute a reign of terror among the disheartened worlds of the galaxy. Many used the imperial forces and the name of the increasingly isolated Emperor to further their own personal ambitions.

From the beginning they were vastly outnumbered by the systems held in thrall by the Emperor. In those first dark days it seemed certain the bright flame of resistance would be extinguished before it could cast the light of new truth across a galaxy of oppressed and beaten peoples...

From the First Saga
Journal of the Whills

I like the idea of R2-D2 delivering this epic account of events to the Keeper of the Whills. In fact, if I were rewriting the prequels, that moment (some 100 years after the Battle of Endor) would be a pretty intriguing way to open Episode I, with our favorite intrepid astromech droid entering a hidden fortress on some long forgotton planet at the edge of the galaxy.

As R2 plugs into an access terminal and uploads the volumes of stories and experiences, we are taken back to where it all began - which in my version would not include Jar Jar Binks or an eight-year-old Christ-like Anakin who builds C-3PO (but that's a column for another time).

The information in this column was compiled from numerous texts on the making of "Star Wars." I would strongly recommend reading:

The Making of Star Wars by J.W Rinzler
The Making of The Empire Strikes Back by J.W Rinzler
The Making of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith by J.W Rinzler
Star Wars: The Annotated Screenplays by Laurent Bouzereau
Star Wars: From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker by Alan Dean Foster

If you haven't yet, I would also highly recommend watching Jambe Davdar's fantastic series of documentaries detailing the creation of George Lucas's original trilogy of films. You can follow Jambe on Twitter @jamieSWB and subscribe to his YouTube Channel here. Below are links to watch his documentaries in their entirety:

Star Wars Begins
Building Empire
Returning to Jedi

Cottonwood Queen

2011-09-06T23:27:00.000-04:00

There's this young woman - stunning, gorgeous - she looks like Joan Jett with shaggy black hair, smoking cigarettes on the patio of Sir Edmond Halley's Free House. I take a seat beside her and have a Guinness. She has a Harpoon.

She's wearing a tight black t-shirt cut and shredded, hanging off her flawless frame like a tattered flag, the symbol on her chest a Stormtrooper helmet.

The conversation is comforting. She's burned a few bridges and broken a few engagements, living out of her car in the parking lot of a shopping center for a week or two.

She says I talked her down from the ledge, made her realize there was more to life than living for someone else. I let her know she's more than welcome to stay with me, but it sounds like she's got a new place to stay.

She tells me how I attracted her with my words, that nothing could ever happen because she considers me to be her best friend. I have, of course, heard this before -- typically it's a convenient excuse of letting a guy down gently, but in this case I take it for what it is -- the truth.

As gorgeous as she may be, as intriguing as I might find her, it would be a mistake to jeopardize the connection we have -- as much as it pains me to admit.

She takes a drag from her cigarette. "Adam, one of these days," she begins. "When the right girl finds you, she's going to be completely blown away by you." She spends the next few minutes pumping up my ego. I smile and sip from my Guinness.

She admits that it won't be her, that is unless her and someone new doesn't work out, in which case we'll be together forever. I laugh, not because it caught me off guard - but because I've heard this line a half-dozen times too.

We have a couple more drinks. A man on the patio with a drawing pad sketches a couple of women at a table nearby. I am inspired to paint a similar picture in words of this moment, of me and her on the patio, engaged in conversation. I will admit, this act is not entirely selfless. It's a way for me to express how truly stunning she is, and it provides much needed stimulus and inspiration.

I'm just glad to see her happy, and I can say that without any hint of cynicism or selfishness. She deserves romance and passion and the right to reclaim her youth - of which she has so much left.

Obey. Consume. Submit. Marry and Reproduce.

2011-09-06T00:55:00.000-04:00

I haven't wrote any words of merit in quite some time - nothing I would classify as personal or creative, anyway. Pretty much everything posted here over the past few months has involved film or entertainment in general, which I suppose is a good thing given the fact that I am a film critic and occasionally write for entertainment websites.

Truth be told, I've been lacking inspiration to really write anything else. Everything right now is incredibly mediocre - no great heartbreaks or tragedies, no important life lessons gained from mistakes or endearing experiences with family or friends.

I go through these stints of writing nothing but film reviews and entertainment news stories and then long stretches of short stories, flash fiction, poems - whatever you want to call them - but I don't see that kind of creativity on the horizon, at least for the immediate future.

I'm kind of worn out - now more so than any time in the past, I simply want to escape - I'm looking for a way out. I feel like Roddy Piper in "They Live." I've put on the glasses and discovered the world for what it truly is, and I'm desperately searching for a way to destroy the signal, to escape the mundanity of this "Obey. Consume. Submit" lifestyle we've all excepted as the American dream.

I've changed so much in the past two years. While I would be the first to tell you I've always been an extremely rationalistic, albeit pessimistic person - that character trait was always paired with a certain level of naivety. Well, that naive innocence is gone - and instead you have someone who is cynical and jaded with no real buffer of optimism.

I used to be someone who wanted to fall in love, get married, be faithful, have a family - but after the trials and tribulations of an advanced introduction to adulthood, I'm not so sure that's in the cards for me - which is refreshing and freeing, honestly.

I see my friends making (what I consider to be) horrible decisions, rushing into things - getting married, having kids, buying houses - and it reaffirms my own personal stance on simply wanting to be on my own. Our generation doesn't even have a fuckin' house phone hanging on the wall, why on Earth would we own a home when the entire world is turning to shit around us? Every institution (government, religion, marriage) has failed us -- why continue to support them?

I wonder though, is this how people come to terms with the fact that they're aren't special? Do they simply give up on individual dreams and play them off as selfish in order to settle into something more meaningful in the form of a relationship - a union to show off to society as a means of proving your own value. Maybe, maybe not - maybe I'm just a bitter son of a bitch. In any case, I'm alone and I prefer it that way.

I need inspiration - something to ignite the senses and reawaken the creativity and passion that lies dormant in my heart. I need a muse, someone new to be wounded by. Which brings me to her.

I've been thinking a lot about her lately - not really sure why. There's not a particular emotion attached to the thoughts - I guess it's more of a curiosity. She lives across the fucking street, after all. I haven't heard or seen from her in two years.

And then there's the other girl, the more recent one, who was never even really there to begin with. I don't miss her, but it still hurts to know she's out there - in close proximity - with someone else. Story of my life. I'm good enough to waste your time with, until something better comes along that is.

"Outside the limit of our sight, feeding off us, perched on top of us, from birth to death, are our owners! Our owners! They have us. They control us! They are our masters! Wake up! They're all about you! All around you!"

"The feeling is definitely there. It's a new morning in America... fresh, vital. The old cynicism is gone. We have faith in our leaders. We're optimistic as to what becomes of it all. It really boils down to our ability to accept. We don't need pessimism. There are no limits."

The Star Wars Are Over...

2011-08-31T22:31:00.002-04:00

George Lucas and his constant tinkering has finally crossed the goddamn line with this Star Wars fan. I've found myself apologizing and making excuses for Lucas and his "Special Editions" for 14 years now - from the '97 theatrical releases to the 2004 DVD release -- and let's not even get into that 2006 release of the unaltered non-remastered, non-anamorphic versions (which was essentially a slap in the face to fans begging for the original films).

I cannot, however, make any more excuses for Lucas' complete lunacy. Originally spotted on MillenniumFalcon.com and TheForce.net, a recent leak of the Original Trilogy Blu-ray collection has revealed further tampering with my most beloved film series.

There's lots of little tweaks and changes: Han unthawing from Carbonite got a graphical update and now the Ewoks have digitized eyes that blink (creepy and completely unnecessary). And yet, that shitty looking Jabba the Hutt from "A New Hope" and the godawful dance sequence from "Return of the Jedi" haven't changed since '97 (or '04, as far as that Jabba scene goes) - go fuckin' figure.

These two alterations, however, one in "A New Hope" and the other in "Return of the Jedi," are pretty goddamn dreadful. The latter is without a doubt the most offensive and stupefying one, as it completely ruins the climax of the saga. In the original version, Darth Vader returns to the light side when he sees the Emperor trying to kill his son, Luke Skywalker.

Vader silently lifts Emperor Palpatine and chucks him down a ventilation shaft. As you can see in the clip above, Vader now audibly lets everyone know how pissed off he is about his son getting electrocuted. His scream of "NoOoOoOoO!" is just as irritating as it was in "Revenge of the Sith."

Simon Pegg ("Shaun of the Dead," "Paul") took to Twitter to comment on the recent changes. He too, like me, is particularly upset about the change to Vader's redemption, tweeting, "Always loved Vader's wordless self-sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless revision like Greedo and young Anakin's ghost. What a fucking shame."

Here's the other puzzling change, the "Krayt Dragon Call" that scares away the Sand People has been changed yet again and sounds like some fucking drunk frat guy yelling at girls from a frat house porch somewhere.

All I have to say is, I'm officially hangin' up the fandom on this one. Star Wars is dead, and I'm not going to spend any more time or money on this fucking bullshit. This makes me want to sell everything I've ever bought, and as sad as it is to say - I'm not going to bother trying to introduce my nephews or any other theoretical unborn children to it, because the Star Wars I grew up with is gone and it's never coming back. I mean, how do you explain this?

"Well, you see, Star Wars used to be fucking awesome back in 1977 but now Jar Jar Binks does cartwheels in the Mos Eisley Cantina while Greedo shoots first. You'll just have to take my word for it, but it used to be great."

To illustrate just how completely inane these changes are, check this out:

OK, so, apparently, George decided that R2-D2 wasn't hidden enough in this cave, so he added some more rocks. What he and his staff neglected to do, however, was keep this unnecessary change consistent throughout the scene. When Kenobi introduces himself and says "Come here my little friend," here's the shot we get:

What. The. Fuck. Seriously? Where are those rocks? How did he even get in there in the first place? How did he get out? Maybe he fuckin' flew out using his bullshit rocket thrusters? It's bad enough that it's a completely unnecessary addition (with so many things that could have used fixing, like lightsabers for example) but it's even worse that it's half-assed and doesn't even make sense given the context of the scene.

If I ever feel inclined to watch Star Wars again, I believe I'll stick with Adywan's Star Wars: Revisited fan edits. It's kind of ridiculous that a fan is able to make a better version of Star Wars than LucasFilm, who supposedly spent 7 years working on this Blu-Ray set...

But I suppose they succeeded in making the Star Wars Saga more consistent throughout, as the Original Trilogy is now just as shitty as the Prequel Trilogy.

/nerd rage rant over.

Fright Night

2011-08-19T07:51:00.003-04:00

Colin Farrell as vampire Jerry Dandrige in "Fright Night"

A remake of Tom Holland's 1985 film, "Fright Night" stars Anton Yelchin ("Star Trek") as teenager Charley Brewster, who suspects that his new neighbor Jerry Dandrige (Colin Farrell) is a ravenous vampire responsible for a string of recent deaths in town.

When Jerry targets Charley's mother (Toni Collette) and girlfriend (Imogen Poots) as his next victims, Charley enlists Peter Vincent (David Tennant), a self-proclaimed vampire slayer and Las Vegas magician, to help him hunt down and destroy Jerry.

Directed by Craig Gillespie ("Lars and the Real Girl") and written by Marti Noxon ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), "Fright Night" feels like "Disturbia" meets "Dark Shadows" -- a suburban vampire melodrama that lacks the charms and chills of its predecessor.

Between "Interview with the Vampire," "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "True Blood," "Twilight," "30 Days of Night," "Vampire Diaries," "Let The Right One In" (and it's American remake, "Let Me In") and the upcoming "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," do we really need a remake of "Fright Night"?

The answer, of course, is a resounding "Hell no!" -- but of course no one in Hollywood is even asking that question, instead all they are concerned with is "What makes money?" The obvious answer is A) vampires and B) established franchises.

While I wouldn't consider "Fright Night" a guaranteed license to print money, it's easier to remake a sure thing than potentially lose money on an original idea -- hence a 2011 release of "Fright Night" in 3D, filled with cheesy gimmicks and bad (awful, really) computer-generated blood splattering everywhere.

Marti Noxon's script is filled with flat, lifeless teenage melodrama accented with the kind of stereotypical dialogue that sounds like it came from a Diablo Cody workshop on how to speak hipster. Anton Yelchin's Charley Brewster is not the geeky, horror-obsessed outcast that William Ragsdale played in the '85 original. There isn't much to like about his character (or relate to) unless you're a douchebag, in which case you might think he's pretty cool.

This Charley Brewster is the kind of guy who sells out his best friend Ed (played by McLovin, or Christopher Charles Mintz-Plasse, as he's also known) in order to fit in with the cool kids and get the stereotypical hot girl.

David Tennant as Peter Vincent in "Fright Night"

As for Tennant's Peter Vincent, he's a coward and a drunk, inspired more by Criss Angel than Vincent Price -- nothing like the character Roddy McDowall ("Planet of the Apes") helped create in the original. Come to think of it, this whole movie is filled with assholes.

You never really care about anyone. Charley's a jerk, McLovin' is as annoying and typecast as always (there's a part where he engages in live-action role-playing like his character in "Role Models") and then there's the bitchy hot girl and the drunk washed-up magician.

Hell, by the end of the film you end up cheering for Colin Farrell's character - at least the guy's charming and threatening. And he's actually doing us a favor by killing all the douchebags and assholes of the world, so that's admirable. His brilliant, vicious performance is almost enough to drive this movie over into the decent category... almost.

Bottom Line: "Fright Night" is a derivative, unnecessary addition to pop culture's current obsession with vampires. The film even goes so far as to reference "Twilight" in hopes that crazed Twi-hards will show up at cinemas just because there's a pale guy with fangs on screen.

Seriously, are we going to remake every film ever? If studios see "Fright Night" as a viable option then what's next? Perhaps "The 'Burbs" starring Kevin James or maybe "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" starring the casts of "Glee" and "High School Musical" -- there's an idea.

Final Thoughts: The 3D in this movie is truly atrocious. First off, the image quality is so damn dark and blurry, I felt like I was watching it through night-vision goggles instead of 3D glasses - the entire movie looks like it's shot at dusk (even during the daylight scenes).

Then there's the gimmicks. As an audience member you will be assaulted with CGI blood flying at your face, along with crosses and stakes and all matter of silly gags used previously in "Friday the 13th Part III." Even watching the film in standard 2D, you'll be reminded that it was meant to be seen in 3D because of all the shit flying in your face.

Forget "Fright Night." The only thing frightening about this half-assed remake is the fact that it was even made. If you need a Colin Farrell fix, go see "Horrible Bosses." If you want to see a fine example of how to re-start a franchise, go see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" instead.

"You're Killin' Me Smalls!"

The Help

2011-08-10T22:37:00.000-04:00

Emma Stone, Octavia Spencer and Viola Davis star in "The Help"

Adapted from the novel by Kathryn Stockett and directed by Tate Taylor, "The Help" explores the worlds of African-American maids and their white employers in Jackson, Mississippi at the dawn of the civil rights era.

Tate Taylor is a rather obscure name to direct such a huge adaptation - the novel has charted on best-seller lists for more than 100 weeks, after all. The guy's only got one real full-length film under his belt (2008's equally obscure "Pretty Ugly People") - but it wasn't his resume that got him the job, but rather his connection with writer Kathryn Stockett, who Taylor has been best friends with since they were five years old.

With that being said, the rather obscure director has just punched his ticket to the Academy Awards. "The Help" is a powerful, inspiring film that will no doubt become this year's "The Blind Side." An incredible ensemble of actresses including this summer's breakout star, Emma Stone ("Crazy. Stupid. Love"), Jessica Chastain ("Tree of Life") and Bryce Dallas Howard in her finest performance yet.

Of course it's hard to ignore the dynamite work delivered by Octavia Spencer and Viola Davis ("Doubt"), who will no doubt garner nominations come award season. Much like
Gina Prince-Bythewood's 2008, "The Secret Life of Bees," Taylor's film explores race relations in the south during the '60s.

I know, the premise sounds cringe-worthy: a privileged white girl writes a book about the African-American women that helped raise her -- but Taylor's film proves one thing: it doesn't matter if you're white or black, as long as you can tell a good story, and "The Help" is a wonderful story - uplifting and healing, cinematic catharsis at its finest.

I've had a crush on Emma Stone since 2007's "Superbad" - a celluloid love affair only deepened by "Zombieland," "Easy A" and her most recent work, "Crazy. Stupid. Love." I'm not sure if her work here will earn any awards, but it's obvious that Stone is on fire and sure to be a great actress for many years to come.

Then there's Jessica Chastain, who channels a bit of Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts as Celia Foote. After her quiet, nuanced performance in Terrence Malick's "Tree of Life" it's great to see Chastain as a bubbly, emotional mess - the complete opposite of the loathsome, spiteful Hilly Holbrook (Bryce Dallas Howard).

I don't want to say much else about this movie, other than it was heartfelt and moving and worth your time (and money). While it wasn't as personally stirring as "Beginners" or "Tree of Life," "The Help" is a mainstream feel-good movie that you'll no doubt hear a lot of buzz about. The good news is, it lives up to the hype (which is more than I can say about the majority of films this summer).

"This is a tasty burger!"

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

2011-08-04T23:51:00.000-04:00

"Somewhere in the Universe, there must be something better than man!"

There's no question that Franklin J. Schaffner's 1968 film, "Planet of the Apes," is a seminal work of science-fiction. The film, about astronauts who crash on a planet where intelligent talking apes are the dominant species, redefined the entire genre.

Schaffner's movie, based on the 1963 French novel La Planète des singes by Pierre Boulle, spawned multiple sequels, television series and comic books. Unfortunately, it also spawned a 2001 remake by director Tim Burton, which all but killed off any good will the franchise had left.

Fast-forward 10 years. It's a brand new day in America, and director Rupert Wyatt ("The Escapist") has just delivered his own definitive work of science-fiction in the form of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," a reboot of the series and an origin story for how apes came to rule the world.

The film, written by Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver, stars James Franco as a geneticist who attempts to cure Alzheimer's Disease by testing a controversial chemical on apes. Man's genetic engineering experiments lead to the development of intelligence in apes and the onset of a war for supremacy.

"But as for Caesar, Kneel down, kneel down, and wonder." -- Act 3, Scene 2 of Antony and Cleopatra by William Shakespeare.

Andy Serkis, who so brilliantly brought to life Gollum in Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, as well as King Kong in Jackson's 2005 remake, delivers an inspired performance as Caesar, leader of the apes.

Weta Workshop, the Oscar-winning visual effects team that brought to life the worlds of "Avatar" and "Lord of the Rings" has broken new ground, creating computer-generated apes that deliver dramatic performances of unprecedented emotion and intelligence -- truly jaw-dropping stuff.

Andy Serkis as Caesar in "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"

This technology, combined with Serkis' performance, results in one of the most realistic, truly stunning computer-generated characters ever seen in a motion picture. The real star of this film, however, is the script by Jaffa and Silver. "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" might be the best reboot of a franchise ever, its only notable competition being Christopher Nolan's "Batman Begins."

The film is everything good science fiction should be. It is philosophical, exploring issues of ethics and what it means to be human, what happens when we play God -- the societal impact of technology and the way we as a species choose to wield it. "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" is as exciting as it is riveting, an awe-inspiring film that challenges the viewer and simultaneously entertains them.

It serves as a great companion to Schaffner's original, like rhyming stanzas in poem. While the film hits familiar beats, it offers enough new twists to captivate the viewer. Director Rupert Wyatt has punched his ticket as the next big director in Hollywood and, much like Duncan Jones ("Moon," "Source Code"), will have his pick of any project his heart desires once the world discovers how good this movie is.

My only complaint is the lack of depth in the human characters, who are overshadowed by their primate counterparts. I would have liked more scenes of James Franco and Freida Pinto engaged in arguments of ethics and morality -- I'm smart enough to weigh the themes in my head, but it would be nice to see the characters themselves more fleshed out.

"Rise of the Planet of the Apes" might the best film of summer, second only to Abrams' "Super 8" - and even that's up for debate. The film will win Academy Awards for its visual effects, which may have raised the bar higher than even Cameron's "Avatar."

My Favorite Bits of Homage: There's an orangutan named Maurice who joins Caesar in his fight. Maurice Evans is the name of the actor who portrayed Dr. Zaius in the original "Planet of the Apes."

There's mention of a spacecraft named Icarus on a mission to Mars. Icarus is of course the ship which carried Charlton Heston and his crew through time in the original film.

Caesar's mother was an ape named Bright Eyes. In the original film, Charlton Heston's character is named "Bright Eyes" by Zira.

I'll leave it at that - there's no shortage of homage and references made to the original series, but I don't want to spoil the fun for everyone. In short, go see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" - I can't wait to watch it again, and I'm extremely excited by the prospect of a new trilogy of ape flicks.

"This is a tasty burger!"

The Change-Up

2011-08-04T23:49:00.001-04:00

Directed by David Dobkin ("Wedding Crashers," "Fred Claus"), "The Change-Up" stars Jason Bateman as a beaten-down family man who accidentally swaps bodies with his best friend (Ryan Reynolds), leading to a series of wildly complex difficulties.

Technically, you would classify Dobkin's movie as a comedy, though that's certainly debatable. One of the defining characteristics of a comedy is that it is, in fact, comical - evoking laughter in the viewer.

During the film's 112-minute duration, I laughed twice - and for very different reasons than being entertained by hilarious jokes. I laughed out of shock, really, at how irresponsible and shamelessly low class Dobkin's film is - a film that considers horrific parenting as gut-busting comedic touchstone.

Bateman plays the same character he always does - the man of Suburbia who's at his wits' end, struggling to find happiness in his existence as a family man.

Then there's Ryan Reynolds, who channels Van Wilder and makes one dick joke after another. Sometimes he'll mix it up and throw in a vagina joke or some ass play to keep the audience on their heels. Throw in a "fuckity-fuck-fuck" and you have pretty much every line of dialogue his character delivers.

Then there's Leslie Mann, who plays Bateman's wife - and subsequently - every character she's ever played in a film, just a bit more annoying. Whereas there was real heart to even the raunchiest humor in "Bridesmaids," Dobkin's film feels like it was written by 15-year-old boys and produced by a fraternity of douchebags.

Hell, this film makes Todd Phillips' "The Hangover: Part II" look like "Bringing Up Baby." The only saving grace is Olivia Wilde - yes, the same Olivia Wilde who stunk up the screen in "Cowboys & Aliens."

When it became apparent that I wouldn't be laughing during the film, I decided to focus solely on Wilde's big green eyes and stare in awe at her beauty -- which made the rest of the movie decidedly easier to stomach. As a matter of fact, I'm going to go ahead and post a picture of her, so there's at least one good thing about this review:

Beyond the fact that the film isn't funny and features two actors playing the same tired old characters they always play, there might be something salvageable if the script wasn't the same "body swap" scenario we've seen in countless other films. It's essentially "Big" meets "13 Going on 30" meets "Freaky Friday" - except not enjoyable.

Compared to this summer's comedies, "The Change-Up" comes in dead last -- yet another strikeout for Ryan Reynolds, who has delivered two of the worst movies this summer (here's lookin' at you, "Green Lantern").

"Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain."

Return of the Living Dead

2011-08-01T01:26:00.003-04:00

At a medical supply warehouse in Louisville, Kentucky, a supervisor named Frank (James Karen, "Poltergeist") tries to impress the new kid, Freddy, by showing him top secret military drums that wound up mysteriously in the basement of the building.

The drums containing the remains of an army experiment gone horribly wrong - an incident that is said to have inspired George A. Romero's "Night of the Living Dead," which, according to Frank, isn't a complete work of fiction.

Frank inadvertently unleashes the toxic gas inside the barrel; a chemical that reanimates the grotesque, rotting corpses of the dead.

They're Back From The Grave And Ready To Party!

You're goddamn right, they are! Dan O'Bannon's 1985 film, "Return of the Living Dead" is one of the best damn zombie movies ever made. O'Bannon is primarily known for his work as a screenwriter, having penned such classic films as John Carpenter’s "Dark Star," "Alien," and "Total Recall."

While "Return of the Living Dead" started as a story by former George Romero collaborator and writer John Russo, the film was written for screen by O’Bannon -- who also directed the movie after Tobe Hooper bowed out to make "Lifeforce."

It is perhaps one of the first films to embody the Horror Comedy hybrid so completely, a sub-genre that has since been defined by films like "Shaun of the Dead," "Slither" and "Zombieland." Sure, Sam Raimi's "The Evil Dead" is considered the first splat-stick horror flick but honestly, it was meant to be more scary than humorous. If anything, 1987's "Evil Dead II" was a more purposeful attempt at making fun of horror archetypes.

O'Bannon's zombie flick has everything a proper '80s horror film should: clueless victims, bad fashion, a bitchin' heavy metal soundtrack, gratuitous nudity, and over-the-top blood and gore. When all Hell breaks loose in Louisville, a couple warehouse workers, a mortician and a gang of punk rockers barricade themselves in churches and mortuaries in an attempt to survive the zombie hordes.

Believe it or not, there's some great acting going on in this film thanks to Clu Gulager, James Karen and Don Calfa. What really makes "Return of the Living Dead" stand out is it doesn't rely solely on nudity, blood and guts or sheer stupidity -- the script is actually very well written, filled with great dialogue and a plot that establishes a set of rules and follows them through to its conclusion.

The characters react to an impossible scenario in a very logical, sensible way. Consequently, the humor in the film never feels forced -- it is born out of moments where the characters have to deal with insane situations in the sanest way they can. The contrast of these two makes for great comedy -- which is really what makes Edgar Wright's "Shaun of the Dead" work so brilliantly as well.


BRAINS! Live Brains!

It's a work of goddamn genius, honestly. I challenge any avid horror aficionado to name a film that delivers as many laughs and genuine scares as Dan O'Bannon's classic film. It's downright hysterical, with some excellent practical effects, including Allan Trautman's Tarman - an influential, absolutely disgusting zombie.

All in all, "Return of the Living Dead" can be summed up by it's kick-ass soundtrack, featuring "Partytime" by Grave 45. It's just a good fuckin' movie, as funny as it is scary - and without a doubt a defining moment in zombie cinema.

Cowboys & Aliens

2011-07-28T23:12:00.010-04:00

Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig star in Jon Favreau's "Cowboys & Aliens."

Ridley Scott’s 1979 film, “Alien,” was a masterful exercise in hybrid filmmaking -- “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in space -- a creaky old spaceship becomes a house of horrors, with its very own monster, hiding in the dark, killing off the crew one by one.

The powers that be in Hollywood love the idea of a hybrid film, because it’s marketable. You take two successful ideas and smash them together until you’ve got something more successful.

It’s easy to imagine the pitch for a movie like Ron Underwood’s 1990 film, “Tremors.” There’s Ron in some conference room over at Universal, and he’s desperate to make his Graboid picture - he’s got to hook the big-shot executives with something sexy -- the first words out of his mouth are “It’s like ‘Jaws,’ but in the desert!”

Which brings us to Scott Mitchell Rosenberg’s 2006 graphic novel, “Cowboys & Aliens.” I’ll admit, it’s a great hook: an old-fashioned Cowboys & Indians Western with an Alien Invasion twist.

Director Jon Favreau (“Iron Man”) and executive producer Steven Spielberg would have you believe their film adaptation of “Cowboys & Aliens” is a pitch-perfect blend of John Ford’s “The Searchers” and Spielberg’s own “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.”

It’s one Hell of a pitch, but unfortunately, the final product feels more like “Young Guns II” clumsily cobbled together with “Battle: Los Angeles.” The film’s only saving grace is its cast. Thanks to Spielberg, Harrison Ford is once again cast opposite of James Bond, in this case, Daniel Craig.

Aside from the dynamic duo of Indiana Jones and James Bond, “Cowboys & Aliens” is a rather disappointing, uneventful summer blockbuster. What's worse are the aliens themselves, generic insectoid creatures that could have easily stepped out of any lame first-person shooter on Xbox 360.

The script is flimsy, downright silly at times, and does little to pay homage to the great Westerns or Sci-Fi films that inspired it. Every time the story veers off course, Oliva Wilde's character seemingly solves every issue effortlessly so the characters can proceed to the next nonsensical plot point.

The film's biggest crime is that it's boring. A movie titled "Cowboys & Aliens" should be more fun than this. It should have been "True Grit" meets "District 9," but instead it's the bastard child of "Wild Wild West" and "Independence Day," minus Will Smith and the face-punching battle cry, "WELCOME TO EARTH!"

"Cowboys & Aliens" isn't the worst movie of the summer, not by a long shot (that spot is reserved for the likes of "Green Lantern," "The Smurfs," "Zookeeper" and "Cars 2." With that being said, it may very well be the most disappointing.

"You're killin' me Smalls!"

Hollywood News

2011-07-24T23:27:00.000-04:00

I write stuff. Currently, I'm writing entertainment articles for Hollywood News. You can check out my articles below:

“Cowboys and Aliens” reactions from Comic-Con

Jon Favreau (“Iron Man”) premiered his latest film, “Cowboys & Aliens,” to an enormous crowd Saturday night at San Diego Comic-Con. The director’s latest is a genre mash-up, adapted from Scott Mitchell Rosenberg’s 2006 graphic novel of the same name. In this Western meets Science-Fiction epic, in 1873 Arizona, an outlaw named Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) awakens with no memory of his past and a mysterious shackle around his wrist.

This shackle, complete with futuristic technology, holds the key to defeating a new enemy: ALIENS! From the skies, without warning, spaceships descend on the sleepy town of Absolution and the townspeople, along with outlaw Jake, must make a stand against them. The film also stars Harrison Ford, Sam Rockwell, Olivia Wilde and Paul Dano. Read the rest here.

“LOST” producers unveil deleted scene at Comic-Con

During Entertainment Weekly’s Totally Lost: One Year Later panel at Comic-Con this weekend, “Lost” executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse crashed the festivities to answer questions and surprise fans with a long forgotten deleted scene from the season one finale.

Cuse was dressed as a stormtrooper while Damon was sporting a fashionable Dharma Initiative jumpsuit, complete with Boba Fett helmet – who knew the galaxy’s most bad-ass bounty hunter was a sucker for time travel and polar bears? Read the rest here.

Colin Farrell shows off “Total Recall” at Comic-Con

As part of Sony Pictures’ Hall H presentation this week at San Diego Comic-Con, director Len Weisman introduced crowds to his remake of Paul Verhoeven’s 1990 film, “Total Recall,” a film which was loosely adapted from Philip K. Dick’s short story, “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale.”

The panel included Weisman, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, John Cho, Kate Beckinsale and Colin Farrell, who plays Doug Quaid, the character portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Verhoeven’s original film.

The story is pretty simple: two nation states, Euromerica and New Shanghai, vie for supremacy as a factory worker (Farrell) begins to suspect that he is, in fact, a spy – though he is unaware which side of the fight he’s on. Bryan Cranston (“Breaking Bad”) will be playing the villain of Vilos Cohaagen, previously played by Ronny Cox. Read more about "Total Recall" here.

Ridley Scott teases anticipated “Prometheus” at Comic-Con

While director Ridley Scott remains vague on the specifics of his latest film, Prometheus, the director gave a jam-packed Hall H their first glimpse at San Diego Comic-Con.

Prometheus marks director Ridley Scott’s return to the science-fiction genre and has been described as a sorta-kinda-but not really prequel to Scott’s 1979 masterpiece, “Alien.”

Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox, the Prometheus panel was moderated by screenwriter Damon Lindelof, co-creator of “LOST” and writer/producer of the upcoming “Cowboys & Aliens.” Read more here.

Spider-Man Comic-Con panel includes first look at The Lizard

The first official teaser trailer for Marc Webb’s “The Amazing Spider-Man” debuted earlier this week, to a very mixed reaction. Last night Sony had their panel at San Diego Comic-Con and revealed footage from the upcoming film, complete with web-shooters and radioactive spiders.

The “Spider-Man” panel kicked off with actor Andrew Garfield in a cheap Spider-Man costume giving a passionate speech about how Spider-Man has inspired him and why he loves the character so much.

The panel included director Marc Webb, Emma Stone (the new Gwen Stacy), producers Matt Tomack and Avi Arad, with Garfield joining them on stage. The footage shown was a clip package (including some unfinished, rough cut material) that showcased Garfield as Peter Parker and his relationship with Uncle Ben, Gwen Stacy and the film’s villain, The Lizard. To read more about The Lizard, click here.

Captain America: The First Avenger

2011-07-21T23:10:00.001-04:00

Directed by Joe Johnston (The Rocketeer), Captain America: The First Avenger focuses on the early days of the Marvel Universe.

As part of Marvel Studios' effort to assemble The Avengers, Johnston's Captain America: The First Avenger is directly linked to Iron Man, Thor and The Incredible Hulk.

This of course is all leading up to Joss Whedon's 2012 film, The Avengers, which will showcase Marvel's mightiest heroes working together as a team.

March, 1942. In the United States, the Second World War has united an entire nation.

Rosie the Riveter has become an American cultural icon, representing American women working in munitions factories.

Children do their part too, participating in scrap-drives to cover shortages of metal and rubber. Then there's this 90-pound asthmatic kid from Brooklyn, Steve Rogers, who's dying to do his part. Rogers has been deemed unfit for military service a half-dozen times, but the kid won't give up.

After a chance encounter with Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci), Rogers volunteers for a top secret military project that turns him into the Super Soldier known as Captain America - a heroic icon dedicated to defending America's ideals.

As Captain America, Rogers joins forces with Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper), Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan) and Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) to wage war on the evil HYDRA organization, led by the villainous Red Skull (Hugo Weaving.)

Red Skull has discovered an Asgardian artifact known as the Tesseract, which fans of the comics will know by its more common name, the Cosmic Cube. This of course ties in with Kenneth Branagh's Thor, where the Cosmic Cube makes a cameo appearance. Red Skull has found a way to harness the power of the Tesseract and now seeks to rule the world.

Captain America: The First Avenger feels like a perfect marriage of films such as Raiders of the Lost Ark, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Johnston's own homage to Saturday matinee serials, The Rocketeer.

That is to say, it's a damn good film that feels firmly rooted in the '40s. Chris Evans absolutely embodies Steve Rogers as the everyman who fights for what he believes in.

He isn't a brooding vigilante, a playboy industrialist or a God from another realm - he's just a man with a good heart who understands the value of strength, and he's certainly the most heroic of any on-screen superhero.

Captain America: The First Avenger is easily my favorite of Marvel's slate of Avengers films - it excels at developing the character of Steve Rogers and his relationship with Howard Stark. The cast is brilliant, the action is exciting and the film is overall so damn charming and fun, it's hard not to smile and cheer when Captain America and Red Skull have their epic final confrontation.

Final Thought: I look forward to sitting down and watching these films in chronological order in anticipation of Whedon's Avengers film. That's childhood wish fulfillment at its best, seeing all your favorite superheroes share the screen, kicking serious ass all over the place - it just doesn't get any better than that.

"This is a tasty burger!"

Beginners

2011-07-19T20:48:00.002-04:00

The original gay pride flag was hand-dyed by Gilbert Baker. It flew in the 1978 San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade. The flag consisted of eight stripes. Baker assigned specific meaning to each of the colors:

Sexuality. Life. Heaing. Sunlight. Nature. Magic. Serenity. Spirit.

Plot Synopsis: Directed by Mike Mills (Thumbsucker), Beginners stars Ewan McGregor as the grief-stricken Oliver, who meets the unpredictable Anna (Melanie Laurent of Inglourious Basterds) only months after his father Hal (Christopher Plummer) has passed away from cancer.

This new, exciting love floods Oliver with memories of his father who – after 44 years of marriage – came out of the closet at age 75 to live a full, energized gay life. The reality of Hal's new lifestyle, by turns funny and moving, brought father and son closer than they'd ever been able to be.

Now Oliver attempts to love Anna with all the bravery, humor, and hope that his father instilled in him. Beginners is semi-autobiographical, based on the true-life coming out of Mills' father at the age of 75, five years before his death.

Thoughts: What a wonderful film -- no doubt one of my favorites of the year. It is such a hopeful story, filled with deep optimism and cheerful joy -- both humorous and heartfelt. It will move you in ways a motion picture should but seldom does.

You'll be in tears, left questioning your own relationships - swept over with a brand of cinematic catharsis we all yearn for. It forced me to think about my relationship with my own 72-year-old father. I was overcome with emotion, and on the way home I found myself crying, wishing I could be as close to my father as Oliver was with Hal -- and the great realization is that I can if I choose to be, I simply need to make the effort before it's too late. Mike Mill's film is life-affirming and overflowing with love and hope -- which is exactly what I needed.

If you get the chance to see this wonderful film, see it with someone you love - your father, your mother - recommend it to an estranged friend or family member - share it with the people you have trouble sharing yourself with. An instant favorite, Beginners is one of those films that I consider definitive, a work that points to the stuff inside that I can't seem to ever put into words.

"Impressive. Most Impressive."

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

2011-07-14T13:31:00.000-04:00

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman, Helena Bonham Carter and Maggie Smith.

Plot Synopsis: With Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, the eighth and final film in the Harry Potter saga, Harry, Ron, and Hermione continue their quest of finding and destroying the Voldemort's three remaining Horcruxes - items of a mystical nature responsible for the Dark Lord's immortality.

[Spoilers Ahead...]

Review: The key to any great book-to-film adaptation lies in the film's success at focusing and amplifying the emotions readers experience when they read the source material. By this measure, director David Yates and screenwriter Steve Kloves have failed to produce a worthy adaptation of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the last book in J.K. Rowling's beloved series, presented in two parts.

On second thought, labeling Yates' film as a complete failure is a bit too harsh. No doubt Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 will make hundreds of millions of dollars and delight casual and die-hard fans alike the world over. But then again, this film would make $800 million regardless of the quality of the content - it could be two hours of Murphy Brown reruns and Harry Potter fans would still freak.

While the special effects are spectacular, the film fails to deliver on an emotional level - absent are the crescendos of heart and character that gave the book such weight. What the filmmakers have carelessly neglected are the sacrifices made by Harry Potter's friends. It is through these sacrifices that Harry's journey and ultimate destiny is given significance.

The sacrifices of beloved characters such as Fred Weasley, Tonks and Remus are simply glossed over as the film hurries on the heels of Harry, Ron and Hermione. Other characters we've come to love, like Hagrid, simply appear out of thin air with no explanation of their absence.

This is not a new happening in the cinematic world of Harry Potter, though - previous films have skipped over important story and character elements in service to Daniel Radcliffe's titular character, and as a result much of the magic and heart of this book series is lost in translation to celluloid. In Deathly Hallows: Part 1, the deaths of Hedwig, Mad-Eye Moody, and Dobby were similarly made insignificant.

The final book is rife with moments of emotion and excitement, from the Battle of Hogwarts to Neville Longbottom's confrontation with Nagini to Molly Weasley's wand duel with Bellatrix Lestrange - but these moments, when played out on screen, exist only for milliseconds. And here is the second crucial problem with the Harry Potter films - they do not stand on their own.

Unlike Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings films, the source material is required reading to fully appreciate and understand the narrative and the motivations of the characters. By the time audiences reached the sixth film, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the narrative had grown too complex, riddled with plot holes as a result of neglecting subplots from the books - reading the books was not only recommended, it had become a necessity.

More often than not, these subplots are directly related to the title of the film - the entire motivation for the story to continue! There's barely mention of the Deathly Hallows themselves in this film, gone too are the backstories of Grindelwald, Dumbledore and Aberforth -- elements I would consider crucial to fully appreciating the conclusion of Rowling's epic yarn.

As I assumed in my review of Part 1, "I imagine the few remaining hours of Harry Potter will be just as rushed, halfhearted and empty. At the end of the day these films should be able to stand on their own, and it's becoming more and more apparent that they can't."

Turns out I was right. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 is a rushed, surface-level adaptation that fails to provide the catharsis and satisfaction I felt while reading the book. It is a serviceable summer blockbuster with some truly awe-inspiring computer graphics and set pieces, however, it consistently reminds the viewer of how much better their own imagination is; how much more powerful the story is when written in words, instead of special effects.

Bottom Line: The Harry Potter films were rushed into production to take advantage of the popularity of the book series. When Peter Jackson undertook the task of adapting the Lord of the Rings, the books had existed for nearly 50 years -- and the filmmaker himself had a deep love for the source material. With these Harry Potter adaptations, Warner Bros. assembled directors and writers for hire essentially, people that could churn out screenplays and deliver huge tent-pole releases one after another.

I'm not saying the series has been a complete failure - I have found several of them to be enjoyable (the first two films are near perfect adaptations, while the third one is perhaps the most inspired of the bunch), but these past three films have been sloppy to say the least.

Final Thoughts: People will rave about how good this film is - some particularly psychotic individuals will suggest the film deserves an Academy Award, but this is not The Return of the King, nor is it The Empire Strikes Back -- it ain't even Avatar, for Cameron's sake.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 is simply the end of a long series, and people tend to get overly sentimental when they've invested 10 years into a film franchise and watched the actors (and their characters) grow up on screen. People are willing to be less critical of something they've devoted themselves to - and I am no exception to this rule as a Star Wars fan who has made excuses for the prequels in the past.

The main thing is, if you didn't read the books you'll miss out on the meaning of it all - if you did read the books, you'll wonder where it all went.

"You're killin' me Smalls!"

Horrible Bosses

2011-07-09T02:22:00.001-04:00

Jason Bateman, Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis star in Seth Gordon's Horrible Bosses

In Horrible Bosses, the new film by director Seth Gordon (The King of King: A Fistful of Quarters), Kevin Spacey is a total. fucking. asshole. Spacey plays Dave Harken, a man who makes it his personal mission to ruin the lives of the employees under him.

One of those employees is Nick Hendricks (Jason Bateman), an executive who is passed over for a promotion when Harken promotes himself instead. After being screwed over for the last time, Nick and friends Dale (Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) conspire to murder their respective bosses.

Kurt's boss, Bobby Pellitt, (Colin Farrell) is a cocaine-addicted, immoral chemical company manager who makes Kurt's life a living Hell. Recently-engaged Dale is a dental hygienist who spends his work day being sexually harassed by boss Dr. Julia Harris (Jennifer Aniston).

The trio enlists the help of "Motherfucker Jones" (Jamie Foxx), who brands himself as a murder consultant. Together they hatch a preposterous plan to make the deaths of their bosses look like complete accidents.

Charlie Day and Jennifer Aniston in Horrible Bosses.

While Paul Feig's Bridesmaids set the comedy bar extremely high for 2011, Horrible Bosses is easily the second-funniest movie you'll see this year. Whereas The Hangover: Part II felt like more of the same, Gordon's film takes the best of Arrested Development, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Saturday Night Live and makes a film that feels like a spiritual successor to Office Space and Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train.

Several actors including Jeff Bridges, Tom Cruise, and Philip Seymour Hoffman were approached for the role of Dave Harken, but Kevin Spacey proves he's the man for the job. He's a mean son of a bitch whose threats are legitimate.

Colin Farrell deserves more screen time as coked-up Bobby Pellitt. If you've seen In Bruges, then you know Farrell has some serious comedy chops - and he shines in Horrible Bosses as the insensitive douchebag with a flair for Asian culture (and cocaine).

Perhaps the most surprising is Jennifer Aniston, who sheds her girl next door persona and revels in the aggressive, raunchy Dr. Julia. Some of the biggest laughs in the movie are a result of her foul-mouthed conversations with Charlie Day's Dale.

Bottom Line: One of the more successful bromance comedies as of late, Horrible Bosses benefits from the chemistry between Bateman, Day and Sudeikis as well as brilliant casting and a smart, quirky script.

Final Thoughts: I know what you're saying, "How many comedies is Jason Bateman going to make this summer?" With Paul, Horrible Bosses and The Change-Up, it's looking like a great summer for the former Arrested Development star. I can only hope his continued success leads to an Arrested Development movie becoming a reality.

Oh, and be sure to look out for a cameo by Steve Wiebe, one of the stars of Gordon's 2007 documentary, The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. While you're at it, watch out for Isaiah Mustafa, otherwise known as The Old Spice Guy.

"Hey everyone, come see how good I look!"

White Girl Spanish

2011-07-04T23:06:00.000-04:00

It is 6:47 AM. We drink black coffee and smoke cigarettes on the porch. You play the cello while I scribble some words in a notebook. We walk down to the river and go for a swim in the early morning light. The water is clear and cool, and we make no effort to fight the current, floating on our backs downstream.

It's 8:12 AM. Wet clothes dry on the porch railing. You take a shower while I clean the dishes and empty the ash trays. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea plays on the record player. You come out in nothing but a towel and stop by the sink to give me a peck on the cheek.

It's 9:05 AM. The bags are packed. I load the car while you fuss with your hair in the mirror. You pin back the thick copper locks behind your ear with a yellow flower hair clip. We head back to the city. I listen to Bon Iver while you read Gabriel García Márquez.

It's 11:47 AM. We stop at El Rey for Mexican Breakfast where you impress the waitress with your white girl Spanish. Your eyes change color like Matchbox cars under the kitchen faucet - from green to blue to something beautiful in-between. If your eyes were a Crayola color, it would be Caribbean Sea.

----------------------------------------------------------

It's 8:34 PM. We stretch out on the couch together, your legs draped over mine. You miss the quiet of the country, the sounds of the river replaced by ambulances and car alarms. I drink wine, you drink beer. We snack on salt and pepper potato chips and watch old horror movies. I am happy.

It's 10:57 PM. We're drunk. To be more accurate, you're drunk - I'm simply relaxed from multiple glasses of cheap drugstore wine. We kiss. Your lips were meant to press against mine - you are simply magnificent. I run my fingers through your hair as you bite my bottom lip, making me your personal property.

It's 12:07 AM. I carry you to bed, then double-back to the living room to turn off the television and make sure the doors are locked. I crawl into bed. You whisper. I whisper back.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

2011-06-28T21:02:00.001-04:00

Cast: Shia LaBeouf, John Turturro, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Patrick Dempsey, with John Malkovich and Frances McDormand

Transformers: Dark of the Moon, directed by Michael Bay, begins with an epic battle sequence on the world of Cybertron, where the fabled war between the Autobots and Decepticons rages on.

With defeat imminent, the Autobots' leader, Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy), pilots a spacecraft containing technology that could save his kind.

Attacked by the Decepticons, it crashes on the dark side of Earth's moon in 1961. This mysterious event ignites the Space Race, as President John F. Kennedy makes his promise to the nation to put a man on the moon.

In classic Transformers fashion, the 1969 NASA moon landing is actually an investigation of the wrecked spacecraft -- looping and twisting the complicated past between Earth and Cybertron further.

Fast-forward to the present, where the Autobots and Decepticons are engaged in their own Space Race to unlock the secrets of the Ark. Sentinel Prime possesses a Space Bridge, an advanced teleportation technology that the Decepticons would exploit as a means of invading and enslaving Earth.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is searching for purpose in his own mundane existence. His robot companions are off on secret missions, saving the world, while he's graduating college and struggling to find a job. Luckily he's got a beautiful new girlfriend to shack up with.

As you may know, Megan Fox's absence from Dark of the Moon is a result of her disparaging comments comparing director Michael Bay to the former Fuhrer of Germany Adolf Hitler. This particularly angered executive producer Steven Spielberg, which ultimately affected the decision to let Fox go.

So the story goes that Fox's character, Mikaela, left Sam high and dry -- making room for a new love interest in the form of Carly, played by Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Like most of the human characters in Bay's Transformers series, Carly exists only to stand around and look up in awe at her computer-generated counterparts.

As is the standard in this series, Dark of the Moon is populated with silly caricatures meant to provide comic relief. Joining the cast is Patrick Dempsey, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk and Ken Jeong -- who trades in Mr. Chow and Señor Chang for Jerry Wang. On that same note, Tudyk plays a character named Dutch who speaks with a fey German accent. Subtle, right?

Many of the problems that plagued 2009's Revenge of the Fallen have been remedied in Bay's third and final Transformers film. The Twins, Skidz and Mudflap, have been replaced by a gang of NASCAR-themed Autobots known as the Wreckers are are completely bearable. The roles of Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky, as well as Turturro's Agent Simmons, are diminished in favor of more robot battles and jaw-dropping action sequences.

New Autobots and Decepticons are introduced, including Mirage, Que, Laserbeak, and Shockwave. Characters like Sideswipe and Soundwave, only glimpsed in Revenge of the Fallen, get their moment to shine in one-one-one robot battles. Old favorites like Optimus Prime and BumbleBee square off against Decepticon heavyweights like Megatron and Starscream.

Though the tone of Bay's Transformers films border on the goofy and downright absurd, there is a weight given to the film's final battle sequence, which turns Chicago into ground zero - an apocalyptic showdown between the Decepticons (who have invaded Earth using a Space Bridge) and the vastly outnumbered Autobots. Sacrifices are made; heroes die. There are acts of betrayal and deceit - humans turns on each other in hopes they'll be protected by their Decepticon overlords.

Optimus Prime adopts a "Kill 'em all" attitude and lays waste to hordes of Deceptions with his vast array of weapons. Sam, who has been little more than a messenger in previous films, no longer runs from the Decepticon threat. Channeling his inner-Skywalker, Sam single-handedly brings down a Decepticon Baddie and becomes a warrior in his own right.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an exciting, action-packed summer blockbuster. This film truly deserves to be seen on the biggest screen possible and is one of the few films I would recommend seeing in IMAX 3D. You will no doubt be humbled by the size and scope of Bay's explosive set pieces, even if the in-between moments of not-so-comic relief lessen the gravitas and meaning behind the Bayhem.

Bottom Line: Revenge of the Fallen was a noisy, exhaustive celebration of computer-generated mayhem that lacked the heart of its predecessor. Dark of the Moon attempts to re-establish that human touch and does a pretty good job. I found myself overcome with excitement and awe, smiling ear-to-ear while watching my heroes battle it out on the big screen.

The inner eight-year-old did its best to forgive the goofy, nonsensical human characters while the 26-year-old cynical critic picked apart every bit of poor dialogue and nonsensical plotting. Ultimately, the eight-year-old won.

"Hey everyone, come see how good I look!"

Random / Pretty

2011-06-24T00:00:00.001-04:00

Photo Albums / Pencil Box

Hotel Bed / Coffee Cups

Needles and Pins / Marching Bands

The Magnificent Seven / Steve McQueen

American Spirit / Whiskey Drink

Nightmare / Elm Street / Pineapple

Black and Mild / Pinot Noir

Batman / Avocado / Magazine

Iced Tall Mocha / Croissant

Black Lagoon / David Letterman

Millennium Falcon / Ellen Ripley

Fantastic Tales / Mutant Powers

Comic Book / Old Fashioned

Vintage / Professional Wrestling

Graveyard / Abandoned Cinema

Nintendo Cartridge / Fireworks

Devil / Doctor / Witch / Cigarette

Philadelphia / Puzzle Piece

Popsicle Stick / Matchbox Cars

Bacon / Baby / Blister / Planet

Saturday / Vinyl Records

Starlog / Super Mario / Atari

Celery Sticks / Blaster Pistol

Cardboard / Construction Paper

Thunder / Little / Lightning Bug

Super

2011-06-19T19:15:00.003-04:00

You don't steal! You don't molest little children! You don't deal drugs! The rules haven't changed!

Plot Snyopsis: After his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer, an everyday guy (Rainn Wilson) transforms himself into Crimson Bolt, a vigilante superhero with the best intentions, though he lacks the heroic know-how. With the aid of his trusty kid sidekick, Boltie (Ellen Page), Crimson Bolt beats pedophiles, line-cutters and car-keyers to a bloody pulp.

Written and directed by James Gunn (Slither, PG Porn), Super feels like the offspring of Taxi Driver and Batman after a night of intoxicated, mean-spirited lovemaking. Rainn Wilson's character, Frank D'Arbo, is on a spiritual quest of sorts - a man who discovers his true calling after his brain is ignited by the finger of God.

"Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up" - Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver.

Frank's wife, Sarah (Liv Tyler), a recovering addict, leaves Frank for Jacques (Kevin Bacon), a nefarious strip club owner who gets her hooked on heroin. Frank falls into depression, where he has a vision in which he meets the Holy Avenger (Nathan Fillion), a superhero from a show on the All-Jesus Network (and an obvious reference to Holy Avenger's real-life counterpart, Bibleman).

Touched by the finger of God, Frank becomes the vigilante superhero Crimson Bolt. Armed with a wrench, he goes on a crime-fighting spree, brutally bludgeoning drug dealers, child molesters, and even those who butt in line, eventually teaming up with Libby (Page) who works at a comic book shop and figures out Bolt's secret identity.

There are some powerful themes and ideas at work in Gunn's film. The idea of religion and how it can delude people and justify terrible acts is a focal point. Frank is often inspired by suggestions from the television show The Holy Avenger - and ultimately attributes God as his inspiration for his own brand of violent justice.

In contrast to most superhero films, Frank does not become a costume-clad hero because of a genuine interest in protecting the public. Instead he utilizes the comic book motif for very personal, selfish reasons. At one point, someone butts in line and Frank leaves the line, goes to his car, puts on his costume and comes back to beat some sense into the line-cutter. No one benefits from Frank's violence except for himself.

Frank's actions can be seen as a religiously pious crusade or that of a psychopath, a depressed outcast with a screw loose. It's really up to the viewer to justify the extreme level of violence exercised by Frank to right the wrongs of society.

Unfortunately, Super will always be remembered as the film that felt like a low-budget retooling of Matthew Vaughn's Kick-Ass. There's more to Gunn's film than spandex suits and spattered blood, though. If you get a chance to see Super, don't pass it up - it's a fun little film that has a lot to say and will hopefully challenge you with a level of fucked-up-edness that makes you reassess the superhero genre as a whole.

Green Lantern

2011-06-19T17:47:00.001-04:00


"A great light has gone out in the universe. Worlds, annihilated!"

Plot Synopsis: For thousands of years, the Green Lantern Corps have been protectors of peace and justice in the universe. A brotherhood of warriors sworn to keep intergalactic order, each Green Lantern wears a ring that harnesses willpower to give the wearer limitless superpowers.

After years of imprisonment, a powerful enemy known as Parallax threatens to destroy the balance of power in the Universe. The fate of the Green Lantern Corps, and the fate of Earth, lie in the hands of their newest recruit, the first human ever selected: Hal Jordan. Played by Ryan Reynolds (Buried, The Proposal), Hal Jordan is a gifted but reckless fighter pilot who must learn to overcome the fear within to save his world.

Wait a second, this is all starting to sound very familiar. Protectors of peace and justice in the universe? I'm pretty sure those super powered warriors are known as Jedi Knights. As for the gifted but reckless pilot, that would be a fairly accurate description of Anakin Skywalker. Both characters have issues with fear. Hal Jordan must learn to overcome fear in order to be a Green Lantern, while Yoda senses much fear in young Anakin and doesn't find him as a suitable candidate for training.

The parallels between Martin Campbell's film and George Lucas's cringe-inducing prequel trilogy don't stop there. Campbell, who is a completely adequate director, seems out of his element with Green Lantern, a drastic departure from his recent films Edge of Darkness and Casino Royale. He has traded in the gritty realism of car chases and shoot-outs with big-budget, computer-generated silliness that does little to inspire or entertain.

Much like Attack of the Clones, Green Lantern feels like actors blindly stumbling through action sequences on huge green screen sets, unaware of who or what they're interacting with. The worlds created are flat, lifeless and lacking texture - the environments feel as if they were designed using Nintendo 64 graphics, shapes and colors laid over other shapes and colors.

Then there's the Green lantern suit, which is completely generated by special effects. It looks so garish and downright cartoonish, I would rather see Reynolds in a rubber suit with nipples.

Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, interacting with Tomar-Re (voiced by Geoffrey Rush)

On top of the underwhelming atmosphere created by Martin's inexperience with special effects, the script is a slap in the face to any well-read fan of the comic book or superhero sub-genre. The structure is essentially Jon Favreau's Iron Man, turning the everyman Hal Jordan into Tony Stark - a playboy adrenaline junkie who even defeats a squad of automated drones by flying up into the upper atmosphere so they freeze and malfunction.

Writers Michael Green and Greg Berlanti are known for their work on superhero television shows like Heroes and No Ordinary Family - two shows that were watered-down attempts to cash in on comic book cliches. It should also be noted that these two shows were cancelled for imploding under their own shoddy storytelling.

Did Warner Bros. seriously think they could just throw money at this project and bring in Ryan Reynolds and it would be enough to make a great summer blockbuster? Did they even care if it was faithful to years of comic book mythology? Hal Jordan is not a funny guy - he's not Van Wilder or some wisecracking playboy - and the series itself is not filled with self-deprecating humor or cheesy goofs to poke fun at.

Campbell's superhero film feels less like Iron Man and more like a parody - the Superhero Movie sequel no one asked for. Over the years there have been some truly great superhero films, from Donner's Superman to Burton's Batman to recent classics like The Dark Knight - and there have been some truly abysmal entries as well - Ghost Rider, Elektra, The Spirit, the list goes on and on.

Green Lantern seems to fall neatly in line with disappointments like Daredevil or Fantastic Four - a film that squanders a substantial budget and 70 years of mythology in hopes of cashing in on the temporary trend of super-powered cinema.

Bottom Line: Apologists who have spent the majority of their lives reading Green Lantern comics may try to defend Campbell's halfhearted wreck, but much like us diehard Star Wars fans, sometimes there's just no excuse for the final product. Green Lantern is a silly mess that, in a year that has seen Thor, X-Men: First Class and Captain America, can't stand on its own two feet.

"Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain."

The Tree of Life

2011-06-17T00:07:00.003-04:00

art / noun /ärt/

The expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.

Powerful. Beautiful. Violent. Profound. Arduous. Illuminating.

Terrence Malick's latest film, The Tree of Life, serves as an ambitious masterwork that braids the threads of one Texas family in the 1950s with the creation of the universe. The film follows the life of Jack (Sean Penn), the eldest son of the O'Brien family, through the innocence of childhood to the disenchantment of adulthood. Jack attempts to reconcile a strained relationship with his father (Brad Pitt).

Since 1973, Malick has made only five motion picures. His latest explores the conflict between nature and grace -- a struggle between a spiritual life of elegance and beauty and one of more primitive survival. Jack's mother, played by Jessica Chastain, embodies the former, while Brad Pitt represents the latter.

In juxtaposition to the family-driven story, we witness the violent origins of the universe -- the Big Bang -- hot and dense, expanding rapidly into infinity. The churning oceans and volcanic eruptions of Earth in its infancy. The evolution of life from single-celled organisms to invertebrates -- from jellyfish to dinosaur.

Malick's piece is unburdened by chronological order and eschews the cushy, uncomplicated task of beginning, middle, end. Those seeking structure will no doubt be frustrated by Malick's 138-minute tone poem comprised of meditative, dreamy visuals. It is a narrative approach that embraces the gaps and chooses not to use dialogue as a means of delivering exposition.

The Tree of Life challenges the viewer to fill in the blanks -- make their own connections and conclusions. It is a reflection on the circle of life, of harmonious creation out of the chaos of the Big Bang. Brad Pitt delivers a commanding performance as Mr. O'Brien, his best since 1999's Fight Club. Jessica Chastain shines as a beacon of elegance and grace, the perfect contrast to Pitt's forceful yet restrained presence.

Tree of Life is a rich, rewarding, cinematic experience. Yes, the film is flawed (Sean Penn's brooding adult Jack has little to offer when compared to his younger self, portrayed by Hunter McCracken) but ambitious - so ambitious that even its flaws can be praised as inspired attempts to surpass the stagnant, simple-minded cinema which has become so common place today.

I could easily see Malick's work receiving nominations for Best Supporting Actor (Pitt) , Best Cinematography and even Best Visual Effects. While Tree of Life won the Palme d’Or at this year's Cannes Film Festival, it's hard to imagine Academy types embracing it as Best Picture, but of course with 10 nominations, there's still a chance the Academy will celebrate a film that aspires to be more than a pre-packaged political message.

Bottom Line: Staggeringly beautiful and jaw-dropping, Malick's film is reminiscent of Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey - a polarizing, hypnotic work of art that goes beyond the bounds of contemporary cinema. The Tree of Life is a masterful piece of cinema that encourages speculation yet confirms nothing.

"Impressive. Most Impressive."

Super 8

2011-06-12T22:18:00.004-04:00

J.J. Abrams named the film's setting, Lillian, Ohio, after his grandmother.

Synopsis: In the summer of '79, a group of friends witness a catastrophic train crash while making a super 8 movie. Shortly after, disappearances and inexplicable events begin to take place in town, and the gang takes it upon themselves to investigate the creepy, fascinating phenomenon.

Directed by J.J. Abrams (Star Trek) from his original script, the Bad Robot / Amblin Entertainment Production is produced by Steven Spielberg, Abrams and Bryan Burk. The film stars Kyle Chandler, Elle Fanning, Joel Courtney, Gabriel Basso, Noah Emmerich, Ron Eldard, Riley Griffiths, Ryan Lee and Zach Mills.

"If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in." -- Rachel Carson

As adults, we are each mourning for our childhood more than we are anticipating the future. As we grow older, our hearts grow weary with the tedious reality of adulthood - desk jobs and electric bills, car insurance and taxes. The awe and wonder of childhood becomes something intangible, a collection of memories we're unable to recreate - a yearning for the past - nostalgia.

J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg are two filmmakers with an uncanny ability to awaken the inner child, leaving us wide-eyed with big, goofy grins plastered across our faces. This sense of wonder is fully realized in Super 8, a film that plays like Goonies meets E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

Joe Lamb (Joel Courtney) is a geek after my own heart. His room is covered in blueprints of space shuttles and Star Wars posters. Misunderstood by his father and still grieving the recent loss of his mother, Joe devotes his time to building models and doing monster makeup for his friend's Super 8 movies.

Immediately, you care for Joe and root for him. He's a kid who has already discovered his passions and obsessions - the kind of kid who grew up reading Famous Monsters magazine and religiously read from Dick Smith's Do-It-Yourself Monster Make-Up Handbook. He's the outcast, the kid who lost his mom and filled the gaping hole in his heart with his own little obsessions.

Elle Fanning and Joel Courtney star in J.J. Abrams' Super 8.

You get the sense that, while he has a father who loves him and a great group of friends, Joe is largely alone in life. The loss of his mother is too much to bear - and thank God for the train crash and subsequent alien conspiracy and government cover-up to take Joe's mind away from his mother's grizzly death.

The promise of young love in Elle Fanning's Alice Dainard doesn't hurt either. Alice is nice to Joe, and the two share a bond of being alone and misunderstood. Alice's mother left when she was young, and her father is your standard alcoholic factory worker, overprotective of his young daughter for fear that she too will someday abandon him.

Most of the film is spent with Joe and his band of guerrilla movie-making friends as they discover the truth behind the train crash and the mysterious contents of its cargo - but the Cloverfield-esque monster subplot isn't even that important. What makes Super 8 isn't the surprises but rather the heartfelt, nostalgic story of Joe and Alice - which proves to be every bit as joyful and soaring as Spielberg at his best.

My favorite scene has Alice in Joe's bedroom. The power is out (one of many bizarre phenomena that has occurred since the train crash) and the two are sharing a sweet moment when all of a sudden the power cuts back on and we see what Joe was doing prior to Alice's arrival. Joe's film projector buzzes on, a reel of memories shared by Joe and his mother plays out on screen. Alice watches, tears streaming from her eyes -- and we are right there with her.

I sat beside my mother in the dark (who I've shared many cinematic memories with), both of us wiping tears away. I thought back to being a little boy and sharing the joy and wonderment of films like E.T. and Star Wars with her - that kind of movie magic that ignites the imagination of a child.

Bottom Line: The child actors, specifically Fanning and Courtney shine in this film - delivering heartfelt performances that make you genuinely care. Super 8 is a love letter to the kind of films I grew up on as a child of the '80s - a powerful exercise in nostalgia and catharsis that provides summer popcorn fun with an emotionally-satisfying story.

Final Thoughts: While I thoroughly enjoyed J.J. Abrams' Star Trek, I would love to see him tackle Star Wars. Let's be honest, the reason Abrams' remake of Trek was so successful is because it felt more inspired by J.J's love of Star Wars - the bar filled with aliens, the monster in the ice cave, the medal ceremony after a farm boy becomes a hero in an epic space battle.

If we as a movie-going community are able to accept a complete reboot of the Spider-Man franchise only years after the last film, why can't J.J. remake Star Wars - Lucas kind of ruined the franchise already with multiple special editions and the prequel trilogy -- if anything I'd love to see Spielberg put a bug in George's ear and get J.J. involved in some capacity. Here's to hoping for a Prequel Trilogy reboot in 2020!

"Impressive. Most Impressive."

X-Men: First Class

2011-06-03T00:14:00.001-04:00

Michael Fassbender as Magneto in X-Men: First Class

Plot Synopsis: X-Men: First Class is set in the '60s at the height of the Cold War, when escalating tensions between the U.S. and the Soviet Union threatened the entire planet, before the world discovered the existence of mutants.

Before Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and Erik Lensherr (Michael Fassbender) took the names Professor X and Magneto, they were two young men discovering their mutant abilities for the first time. They were closest of friends, working together to stop the greatest threat the world has ever known: the mutually assured destruction of a nuclear war.

In the process, a rift between them opened, a fissure in philosophy that would lead to an endless struggle between two superpowers: Magneto's Brotherhood and Professor X's X-Men.

Directed by Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass), X-Men: First Class utilizes the historical context of the turbulent '60s (Cuban Missile Crisis, Civil Rights Movement) to tell a story of prejudice and acceptance.

Fassbender's Erik Lensherr is on a mission to find and murder Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), a fellow mutant who unlocked young Erik's potential through torture and pain. Erik's ability to manipulate magnetic fields was unleashed out of rage when Shaw killed his mother in cold blood right before his very eyes - and ever since then he has used anger as a tool to unleash his magnetic power.s

Charles Xavier is the polar opposite. He is privileged, well-educated and embraces peace, love and harmony. And while he and Erik are from different worlds, they form an instant bond. Xavier is the Yoda to Magneto's Anakin - teaching the powerful mutant to embrace goodness as a conduit for his powers instead of anger and hate.

One of the film's most memorable scenes occurs when Xavier uses his telepathy to unlock a memory of Erik's that he had forgotten -- a beautiful moment with his mother. It is from this moment of focus and serenity that Erik discovers peace and is able to fully harness his abilities to do truly amazing things.

McAvoy and Fassbender deliver excellent performances, while Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone) brings a whole new level of depth to Mystique, a character who must ultimately decide which path she will go down - the righteous naivety of Xavier's X-Men or the radical Brotherhood of Mutants.

Speaking of mutants, X-Men: First Class has plenty of new ones - and a few familiar faces. Zoe Kravitz is Angel -- not to be confused with the Warren Worthington variation. This Angel has insect wings and can spit venomous fireball blasts. Then there's Edi Gathegi as Darwin, who has the ability to adapt to any situation in order to survive -- including rock-hard scales or gills for breathing underwater.

Caleb Landry Jones' as the sonic-screaming Banshee

Lucas Till is Alex Summers, older brother of Scott Summers (Cyclops) and otherwise known as Havok. Nicholas Hoult is Dr. Hank McCoy, X-Men's very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, who becomes the super-smart, super-blue Beast. Stealing the show is Caleb Landry Jones' sonic-screaming Banshee - who uses sound waves to create vibrations.

The X-Men are brought together to fight Sebasian Shaw and the Hellfire Club, a collection of mutants including Emma Frost (January Jones), Riptide (Álex González) and Azazel (Jason Flemyng). Fans of the comics will recognize the revelation that Aazael and Mystique are the biological parents of Nightcrawler - a plot point that could be introduced in later films.

The final battle finds the X-Men and the Hellfire Club fighting amidst a confrontation between the Soviet Union and the United States - the fate of the Cuban Missile Crisis will no longer be in the hands of mere men, but will rest upon the actions of mutantkind.

Bottom Line: X-Men: First Class is a delightful summer movie - filled with memorable moments that audiences love to see in these kinds of movies: a team of unique individuals is assembled - we see the mentors (Xavier and Erik) interview potential recruits who show off their amazing abilities. Then of course there's the pre-requisite training montage before the big epic final battle.

Final Thoughts: Ultimately, the film's biggest fault is that it is tied to Bryan Singer's X-Men universe. While First Class attempts to create something new with the X-Men mythology, it is mired by the inherent flaws of the films before it.

Vaughn's film could have been more impressive had it been a true reboot of the franchise, with the real First Class lineup of Cyclops, Jean Grey, Beast, Iceman and Angel (Warren Worthington). A new continuity, free of restrictions - a second chance to get it right.

Instead, Vaughn has delivered a superior prequel to an inferior series of films. As you may remember, Vaughn was poised to direct the third installment, 2006's X-Men: The last Stand, before pulling out during pre-production. The final product, directed by Brett Ratner, sounded the death knell for the X-Men franchise.

Instead of moving forward with a reboot, Fox subjected audiences to the abhorrent spin-off, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. X-Men: Luckily, First Class is sweet enough to remove the sour taste of those lesser films from the palate. Hopefully Vaughn will get to make more X-men movies, but one has to wonder where they'll go with the story, being as Singer and the gang have spoiled so much of the fun already.

Maybe in ten years someone will get the balls to do a proper X-Men film with all the vigor and excitement of the '90s cartoon series. I'm talking giant sentinels shooting lasers, bright flamboyant costumes and an ambition to be theatrical and over-the-top, not the subdued black leather uniforms of Singer's way-too-realistic world.

Until then, Vaughn's X-Men: First Class is a great summer action film and one of the better Marvel efforts to date. Fans of the X-Men series will be pleased with the amount of care (and fan service) given to this ambitious prequel.

"Hey everyone, come see how good I look!"

The Hangover Part II

2011-05-25T20:11:00.005-04:00

"Seriously, what is wrong with you three?"

Bangkok Dangerous

Directed by Todd Phillips, The Hangover Part II picks up a two years after the wolf pack's escapades in Las Vegas. Phil (Bradley Cooper), Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Doug (Justin Bartha) travel to Thailand for Stu's wedding (Ed Helms), who has found the love of his life in Lauren (Jamie Chung).

This time around, Stu has opted for a safe, subdued pre-wedding brunch, much to Phil's chagrin. Things do not go as planned, however, after the wolf pack loses the 16-year-old brother of Stu's fiancée and wake up in Bangkok with no recollection of the previous night's events.

No doubt one of the most anticipated films of the summer, The Hangover Part II attempts to out-do itself on every level, but succeeds only on a few. While the film isn't as hysterical as its predecessor, Part II follows the Jackass model of escalating vulgarity and absurdity for shock value.

Visually speaking, Todd Phillips is an exciting director. The guy has a knack for seamlessly crafting sequences that serve as a perfect marriage of moving image and sound. In Part II particularly, Phillips combines broad, stirring images of exotic Thailand backdrops with the music of Danzig and Kanye West to create epic, sweeping moments amidst the chaos.

In terms of story, however, there isn't a lot of new territory to explore in this sequel - which feels less like Part II and more like a remake of the first film. That's not to say it isn't enjoyable, the film certainly has its moments - but it feels less like a natural progression of plot and character and more like a gauntlet of horrifying ordeals the wolf pack must endure in order to make it to the inevitable third film.

The tone of the film is darker, which would be intriguing if only it was taken seriously. Instead of missing teeth and severe sunburns, our fellowship of groomsmen endure gunshot wounds, severed fingers and flirt with drug overdoses - but there's never a moment given to let the weight of these horrific experiences sink in.

Phillips' idea of character development is pretty straight-forward. Alan is even weirder and more awkward than before - which results is some of his jokes hitting the mark, while most of them miss completely. Instead of losing a tooth and marrying a whore, Stu gets a face tattoo and has sex with a transvestite stripper.

And that's basically the premise of Part II - let's see how far we can push it before audiences say, "enough." Instead of earning a laugh, Phillips aims to beat it out of us. It's as if full frontal male nudity and harsh language were submission holds - forcing us to tap out after unsuccessful attempts to squirm free of his frat boy brashness.

Bottom Line: I didn't dislike The Hangover Part II, but it certainly wasn't as laugh-out-loud funny as the original. It is essentially the same movie you saw in 2009, just substitute a smoking monkey for baby Carlos and a transvestite stripper for Heather Graham - considerable downgrades if you ask me.

Final Thought: It will be interesting to see where the series goes from here. I have no doubt there will be a third film - as everything is envisioned as a trilogy these days - but I wonder how Phillips will attempt to out-do Part II.

I think it's time for Phil to undergo a crisis of some sort. Maybe he'll get divorced - a personal tragedy that would no doubt effect Alan, who has a total man crush on Bradley Cooper's character. Or maybe they'll all just go on a European vacation like the Griswold family.

"I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion."

A Eulogy For the Macho Man

2011-05-21T13:56:00.006-04:00

"I'm too hot to handle and too cold to hold!"

Florida Highway Patrol states that Randy Savage (Poffo) was driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler when suffered a heart attack and veered across a concrete median - through oncoming traffic - and collided head-on with a tree. Savage was transported to Largo Medical center, where he died from his injuries. Earlier this month, Savage celebrated his 1-year anniversary with his new wife Lynn. Savage was 58.

Randy Poffo was more than a man - he was larger than life. As a pop culture icon, he had transcended to the level of legend as "Macho Man" Randy Savage. For those of us who grew up with him on our television screens, watching superstars like "Macho Man" and Hulk Hogan wrestle was the equivalent of watching Gods and Titans battle on the top of Mt. Olympus.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage was one of my all-time favorite personalities in professional wrestling - a fantastic storyteller who could play both sides of the coin perfectly. He gave me countless hours of enjoyment as a child, and I think young boys learn a lot about the world through the lens of professional wrestling. It's a morality play with good guys and bad guys - all those Shakespearean elements of betrayal, morality and conflict are boiled down to two men in a wrestling ring, telling the story not with soliloquies but with body slams and suplexes.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank Randy Savage for a piece of my childhood - for all the nights that he went out there and took a beating and pushed his body to the limit to tell a story - to give us a reason to cheer or boo.

Coming to terms with the death of your childhood heroes is strange. I've seen "Macho Man" Randy Savage several times at live wrestling events at civic centers and auditoriums - but I've never spoken a word to the man - and yet, I do consider this a personal loss. If anything, it is a loss of innocence, a piece of my childhood that is gone - proof of my own maturation as the people we idolized as children slowly fade away.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage with the lovely Miss Elizabeth.

Randy Savage is evidence of the power of storytelling. As a fictional character, we welcomed Savage into our homes every week and watched him with awe and excitement. The yellow boots, the orange knee pads, the purple trunks with those three white stars on them - iconography that is forever burned into my mind.

The grace in which he climbed to the top turnbuckle and soared through the air - the millions of camera flashes lighting up the auditorium as he crashed elbow-first into his opponent. The roar of the crowd, the smack of the referee's hand against the canvas. That's what professional wrestling was all about.

Randy Savage didn't go quietly in the night. It took two things to kill him - a heart attack and a car accident - and when you think about it, no one thing could ever kill Randy Savage - the man was too bad-ass for that. It took a tag-team of tragedies to bring him down for the three count.

My condolences to Savage's family and friends. Where there was once madness, there is now sadness. Rest in peace, Macho Man. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

Final Thoughts: I have this one Randy Savage interview memorized by heart. It was 1987 and I had been looking forward to WrestleMania III for months, and being as pay-per-view wasn't available to folks in my area, I had to rely on the weekly wrestling programs like Wrestling Spotlight and Saturday Night's Main Event to keep up with the storyline.

On one of these VHS tapes contained the episode of Saturday Night's Main Event that aired after WrestleMania III, explaining that Hulk Hogan had body-slammed Andre the Giant and that Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat was the new Intercontinental Champion.

The main event, as I recall, was a lumberjack match between "Macho Man" Randy Savage and George "The Animal" Steele - a chance for revenge as Savage felt Steele cost him the title. I remember this so vividly because I must have watched that VHS tape a hundred times.

On that episode they recapped the events from the pay-per-view and showed Macho Man's interview with "Mean Gene Okerlund" before his match against Steamboat. Here it is, in all of its glory... HISTORY BECKONS THE MACHO MAN!

On November 27th, 1995, My mom and sister took me to see WCW NITRO at the Salem Civic Center in Salem, VA. It was the night after the World War 3 pay-per-view, where "Macho Man" Randy Savage had won the World Heavyweight Championship. YouTube is an amazing thing - a simple search led me to that very episode of Nitro, where I could re-live the event all over again.

I was extremely close to ringside - second or third row. If you go back and watch the original telecast (or all 7 parts on YouTube) you'll spot a 10-year-old version of me holding up the Four Horsemen sign and yelling, "Wooo!" True story.

Here's WWE's heartfelt tribute to Randy Savage, which aired on this week's Monday Night Raw.

On Stranger Tides...

2011-05-19T23:16:00.000-04:00

"How much did they pay you?" -- "Boatloads, you?" -- "Ditto."

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Rob Marshall (Nine, Chicago), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is the fourth installment in Disney's popular swashbuckling series. The screenplay, written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, is loosely based on the 1987 historical fantasy novel, On Stranger Tides, written by Tim Powers.

Johnny Depp returns to his iconic role of Captain Jack Sparrow, who crosses paths (and swords) with the enchanting and enigmatic Angelica (Penélope Cruz). When she forces him aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, the ship of the legendary pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane), Jack finds himself on an unexpected journey to the fabled Fountain of Youth.

Now Jack must battle with Blackbeard and his crew of zombies - not to mention Angelica, the ravishing pirate with whom he shares a no-doubt dubious past. Then of course there's the mermaids, whose beauty and masterful cunning can lure even the most seasoned sailor to his doom. Forget Ariel, there be no crustacean sing-a-longs of "Under the Sea" here - these ladies are vicious man-eaters.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides includes the return of Geoffrey Rush as Captain Hector Barbossa (now a privateer in the court of King George II), Captain Teague (Keith Richards) and Kevin R. McNally as Captain Jack’s longtime comrade Joshamee Gibbs (Aye! Sea Turtles!).

Also joining the cast are Sam Claflin (as stalwart missionary Philip Swift) and Astrid Bergès-Frisbey as a mysterious mermaid Syrena, whose characters are meant to replace star-crossed lovers William Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley).

"Why did you sign up for this?" -- "My agent said it was either this or Bandidas Dos."

After three films by Gore Verbinski, Rob Marshall takes the wheel and attempts to steer the continuing adventures of Cap'n Jack in the right direction - but unlike Jack's previous outings, there isn't a single jaw-dropping moment to be found in On Stranger Tides, and that is perhaps its greatest crime - it simply isn't entertaining.

Yes, Dead Man's Chest and At World's End were overlong and convoluted with bizarre subplots, but at least they were committed to entertaining an audience, with epic sea battles and dazzling special effects.

Who could forget the moment in Curse of the Black Pearl when the skeletal parade of cursed pirates march across the ocean floor, or the first time Davy Jones released the Kraken in Dead Man's Chest? Or in At World's End, when Cutler Beckett walks down the steps of the HMS Endeavour as it disintegrates around him? You won't find anything as inspired or impressive here, sadly.

Disney thought they could simply slap together a Pirates of the Caribbean film as long as they had Johnny Depp (who made a reported $35 million for his appearance) - but the real heart and soul of the franchise was director Gore Verbinski, whose absence is unremittingly apparent.

Rob Marshall's direction sucks any excitement or urgency out of an action sequence - it doesn't help that Elliott and Rossio's dumb script makes about as much sense as X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Characters and plot points are introduced and discarded at whimsy, and the Chekhov’s Gun maxim (that any object introduced in a story should be used) is rarely followed.

New characters like Cruz's Angelica or McShane's Blackbeard simply aren't as engaging - and Jack Sparrow has lost his luster, reminiscent of Han Solo in Return of the Jedi, content to play along as an amiable eccentric, no longer the scallywag he once was. And on that note, Sparrow doesn't even care about the Fountain of Youth - the goal of this entire benign adventure.

There isn't any gravity given to the quest itself - no one speaks of what they would do with the power given by the Fountain, and when Jack Sparrow finds out what must be done to gain said power, he decides it isn't worth his time.

Bottom Line: On Stranger Tides is a tedious exercise in lazy, aimless filmmaking. It is as entertaining as it is intelligent, which is to say not at all. It's a shame that a movie this bad will be recognized as a success at the box office, but then again - that is the beauty of a fourth film - it can be absolutely horrible and still make a killing on the reputation of what came before it, even if it bares no resemblance.

Final Thought: Earlier this month, Pirates scribe Terry Rossio told Hollywood Reporter that he’s delivered the Pirates 5 script to Disney and it’s now in their hands. Depp, however, isn't interested in making another Pirates movie - at least not anytime soon.“It boils down to story, script and filmmaker."

Story. Script. Filmmaker. Three things missing from On Stranger Tides - no wonder Depp isn't interested in shipping out again. Consider me landlocked.

"It's just game over, man! Game over!"

High Noon

2011-05-19T20:06:00.000-04:00

You're a good-looking boy: you've big, broad shoulders. But he's a man. And it takes more than big, broad shoulders to make a man.

There's a classic Hollywood story about director Fred Zinnemann. Zinnemann directed the film debuts of screen legends like Montgomery Clift, Marlon Brando and Meryl Streep in films like Julia and From Here to Eternity.

The story goes that Zinnemann (an Oscar winner) took a meeting with a young executive. After exchanging pleasantries, the executive asked Zinnemann to list what he had accomplished in his career. Zinnemann humiliated the executive by reportedly answering, "Sure. You first."

In Zinnemann's 1952 film, High Noon, Will Kane (Gary Cooper), the longtime marshal of Hadleyville, New Mexico Territory, marries the lovely Amy (Grace Kelly) and turns in his badge.

Kane intends to live a life of peace and become a storekeeper elsewhere. Just as the newlyweds are set to leave town, word that Frank Miller (Ian MacDonald) — a criminal Kane brought to justice — is due to arrive on the noon train.

When the film was released, it was criticized by audiences, as it didn't contain expected western archetypes as sprawling chases or violent gunfights, nor did it have the picture postcard scenery that had become the standard in the American western. Rather, High Noon presented emotional dialogue between characters who struggled with ethics and morality.

The film won Academy Awards for Best Actor in a Leading Role, Best Film Editing, Best Music, Scoring of a Dramatic or Comedy Picture, and Best Music, Song for "Do Not Forsake Me, Oh My Darlin'," sung by Tex Ritter.

High Noon was also nominated for Best Director, Best Picture, and Best Writing, Screenplay. It is now celebrated as one of the greatest films of all time, ranked at #27 on AFI's list of Top 100 Films.

Transformers Retrospective

2011-05-15T16:47:00.007-04:00

More Than Meets The Eye

"Before time began, there was the Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That is how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony. But like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil.

And so began the war. A war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home. Searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called... Earth."

Michael Bay's 2007 film, Transformers, grossed $709,709,780 worldwide and is one of the top 50 highest grossing films of all-time. The film currently sits has a 7.2 rating rating on IMDB, while the popular movie review aggregate site, Rotten Tomatoes, gives Transformers an overall freshness rating of 57% while 89% of audiences loved it.

Brian Mader of Hollywood.com reviewed the film favorably, "When Transformers is going strong early on, it's the grandest -- in every sense of the word -- entertainment in years."

Elizabeth Weitzman of the New York Daily News said, "There is so much action packed into every second of Transformers that by the time it's over, you may be tempted to go outside and give the box office another 10 bucks."

More critical reviews, like Manohla Dargis of The New York Times, labeled Transformers as a "movie of epically assaultive noise and nonsense."

Merriam-Webster defines the word "blockbuster" as "one that is notably expensive, effective, successful, large, or extravagant" - something, such as a film or book, that sustains widespread popularity and achieves enormous sales.

Regardless of critical response, Transformers is without question one of the most iconic blockbuster films of our times. Directed by Michael Bay, under the tutelage of Executive Producer Steven Spielberg and brought to life by George Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic, Transformers was a film destined for blockbuster greatness - filled with all of the crowd-pleasing, critic-cringing elements that are inherent in the summer movie genre.

The film is pure entertainment, at the cost of the lofty artistic values of character depth and plot development. It's a celebration of "look what I can do!" moviemaking. It is a movie for children, and for the child in all of us - filled with enthusiasm, imagination and jaw-dropping awe at the impossible made real.

I believe we long for stories in which we, as a species, are humbled by superior beings and advanced civilizations. We love to marvel at the destruction of our own world - the cataclysmic, post-apocalyptic realities brought on by alien invasions and zombie hordes.

I can speak only as a 26-year-old man who was once an eight-year-old boy in saying that Transformers delivers on nearly every childhood dream I once had. Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) is the perfect vessel for nostalgia to travel through.

Hopelessly awkward, Sam uses wit and humor to cope with his own inadequacies and the endless embarrassment of his parents. We meet Sam at a pivotal time in his post-pubescent growth - his first car, his first real girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox).

And once we develop that connection with Sam, we dream of discovering that we ourselves are special - part of an age-old war between Autobots and Decepticons. We imagine the eight-year-old versions of ourselves, protected by Bumblebee - fighting alongside Optimus Prime to save the world -- and it is as glorious as movie magic can be.

It is through this fever dream of nostalgia that we are able to forgive the more dopey, dumb aspects of the narrative - we are living vicariously through pure imagination realized on screen. It is our ability to relate to stories and characters that makes us human, the art of metaphor - of personification - that helps us understand ourselves.

When Bumblebee and Sam are separated, we feel as if something has been taken from us - a piece of our own childhood. Similar to Spielberg's E.T., when Elliot and E.T. are separated and the extra-terrestrial is tested by government agencies. We feel as though we have been victimized, and we long for that bond to be restored.

Critics are often preoccupied with the artistic merit of a film and seldom take time to appreciate the cultural and emotional impact of a film - believing that a film can only be impactful if it is a work of great artistic integrity - but think back to the stories of your youth, the movies you watched - the bedtime stories that filled your dreams with wonder - and consider the impact of Transformers on today's children.

Children connect with stories in a different way - they help them understand a world that is beyond them - a world ran by adults filled with responsibilities and mundane mediocrity. Optimus Prime is a God to them - a representation of heroism, of ultimate good - and they dream of fighting by his side. That kind of pure emotional power goes beyond any review score or star rating.

For a young man, it is a dream-come-true as well to see characters I've known for 20+ years come to life on screen. To a child of the '80s, Optimus Prime and Megatron are as mythic and iconic as Zeus and Hades to a child of Ancient Greece.

To see our childhood Gods awakens something within and for two hours, we are allowed to put our worries and responsibilities away and revel in the grand spectacle that is living, breathing nostalgia.

"With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting.

I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting."

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

"Earth, birthplace of the human race. A species much like our own, capable of great compassion and great violence. For in our quest to protect the humans, a deeper revelation dawns: our worlds have met before..."

Bay returned as director and executive producer for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which was released on June 24, 2009 and went on to gross over $832 million worldwide. The film currently sits has a 5.9 rating rating on IMDB, while the popular movie review aggregate site, Rotten Tomatoes, gives Transformers an overall freshness rating of 20% while 76% of audiences liked it.

Roger Ebert, Michael Phillips and David Denby aggressively criticized the film. In 2010, it had the dubious distinction of earning seven Golden Raspberry Award nominations and winning three: Worst Picture, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay.

The general consensus is that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a noisy, underplotted, and overbearing special effects spectacular that fails to capture the heart and human touch of its predecessor.

Quickflix's Simon Miraudo stated the film "plays more like Pearl Harbor 2, from the heavy-handed seriousness to the clumsy racial stereotypes (a couple of 'ethnic' robots seem to have walked straight out of the Kirk Lazarus School of Racial Sensitivity)."

UGO's Jordan Hoffman's review concluded, "Think of this film as like the first one multiplied by ten. Everything that was good is better and everything that was bad (the relentless stupidity of its story) is worse."

For all intents and purposes, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was an unmitigated disaster. The film became a case study, much like the Star Wars prequels, on how to completely destroy the integrity and goodwill of a franchise. Beloved characters like Bumblebee took a backseat to new bots like Skidz and Mudflap, who insulted the collective intelligence of audiences with blatant racism and offensive dialogue.

It also insulted the source material and the dedicated fan base of Transformers enthusiasts with a nonsensical storyline and a complete disregard for respect to the characters. For it's scope and mammoth use of special effects, it's hard not to be just a little bit taken with this film.

Connecting the Transformers mythology with Ancient Egypt is especially exciting, but the insistence of focusing on Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky's absurd escapades and John Turturro's continued ridiculousness wore a flimsy script even thinner, and all the childhood nostalgia and excitement born out of the first film was replaced with more explosions and bad dialogue.

Allow me to present this wonderful exchange by Skidz and Mudflap, a pair of twin Autobots who are the Transformers equivalent to black face performers:

Skidz, Mudflap: Yo, Leo!
Leo: This thing's gonna give me a heart attack, I swear.
Mudflap: That's 'cause you's a wuss.
Leo: You guys forced me into that car, right? So...
Mudflap: I think he's scared!
Skidz: Hey, Mudflap, what are we gonna do with this shrimp taco?
Mudflap: Let's pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the trunk and then nobody gonna know nothing, know what I mean?
Skidz: Not in MY trunk!
Leo: Yo, bumper cars? I'm hearing you, okay? I'm right here and I can hear you! No one's popping any caps in any asses, okay? I've had a HELL of a day!
Mudflap: Boogy-boogy-boogy-boo!
Skidz: Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?
Mudflap: Go whine to your boyfriend!

Riveting. Simply riveting. At another point in the script, Mudflap (complete with gold tooth) calls Leo a pussy - that's a great word for young boys to learn and use to degrade others. Ask a child, however, and Revenge of the Fallen is as worthy of love and admiration as Citizen Kane or The Shawshank Redemption.

In the sequel, Optimus Prime dies during an epic forest battle - breaking little hearts all around the globe - only to be resurrected through a mystical energy and Sam's sheer determination. Prime comes back turbo-charged and helps lead the Autobots to victory against the ultimate foe, Devastator.

While the film contained some genuinely cool elements and action sequences, it was an unfortunate wrong-turn in a series that could have been every bit as memorable as the blockbuster franchises before it.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

That brings us to Michael Bay's upcoming third installment, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. There's a lot riding on Bay's latest (and perhaps final) Transformers film. It's his chance to right the wrongs of Revenge of the Fallen and win back the approval of fans and critics alike.

Capone of Ain't It Cool News has seen the film and posted a positive review, stating it is "easily [the] best entry in the Michael Bay-directed franchise." The film boasts an impressive supporting cast including Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk, Patrick Dempsey, Ken Jeong and the voice talent of Leonard Nimoy as ancient Autobot leader Sentinel Prime.

The basic plot synopsis goes a little something like this: The Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and learn its secrets, which could turn the tide in the Transformers' final battle.

The film continues the connection between the Transformers universe and Earth mythology, bringing in elements of the space race, the Moon landing and JFK's presidency. Capone also mentions that "the clever script manages to find new ways to place Transformers into world events, including one particularly nasty 'accident' at the nuclear power plant at Chernobyl."

Of course the film features the continuing adventures of Sam Witwicky, who has now graduated college and is desperately searching for his first real job. For better or worse, Sam has a new girlfriend, Carly (supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), as Megan Fox wasn't asked to return for the third film after some disparaging comments she made about director Michael Bay.

As for the Autobots, they have become a firm fixture of the United States military. When Optimus Prime finds out the US government was aware of the Cybertronian technology on the Moon this whole time, he isn't pleased. Optimus revives Sentinel Prime, leading to a Chicago showdown between a small group of humans and a massive alien robot army.

The twins, Skidz and Mudflap, are no where to be found in this film - and it seems like Michael Bay and the creative team behind this film have made every effort to follow a strict "Do's and Don'ts" list to ensure Dark of the Moon isn't a disaster.

Bringing in Leonard Nimoy, as well as classic characters like Shockwave, Wheeljack, Laserbeak show effort in trying to please fans. I guess we'll find out on July 1st if Bay succeeds, or if the Transformers franchise is totaled by Dark of the Moon.

For more information about Transformers: Dark of the Moon, check out Alicia Malone's exclusive two-hour interview with director Michael Bay at Moviehole:

Michael Bay Interview: Part One

Michael Bay Interview: Part Two

Bridesmaids

2011-05-15T10:06:00.001-04:00

Plot Synopsis: Maid of Honor Annie (Kristen Wiig) and a rag-tag band of bridesmaids (Rose Byrne, Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon-Covey and Ellie Kemper) accompany Lillian (Maya Rudolph) on her blissful journey to Holy Matrimony.

Directed by Paul Feig (The Office, Arrested Development) and written by Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, "Bridesmaids" is without question the laugh-out-loud comedy of the summer.

This isn't your formulaic wedding movie ("27 Dresses," "Bride Wars") or some uninspired romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl. "Bridesmaids" cements Saturday Night Live's Kristen Wiig as one of the funniest women alive, while Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly) steals scenes as the vulgar, buxom, in-your-face friend Megan.

Upon Annie's suggestion, Lillian and the bridesmaids eat lunch at a Brazillian restaurant (where they all get food poisoning) before doing a little dress shopping. The result is a vile ballet of projectile vomiting, diarrhea and an unfortunate scene in which Maya Rudolph’s character shits her dress in the middle of the street, evoking the memorable moment in "Platoon" when Sgt. Elias is gunned down.

Let's talk about the poster for a second, which I've used as the heading image for this review. Some people have criticized the marketing campaign for displaying the bridesmaids as slutty, loose women - because obviously that's what brings men out in droves to the theaters (forget Thor with his shirt off or Vin Diesel and The Rock rolling around, covered in sweat).

It actually reminds me of the album cover for The Ramones' self-titled debut. To me, it's all about attitude. Definitively punk rock, the cast of "Bridesmaids" displays confidence in their femininity while also making their toughness known, not with words but with body language - the slouching shoulders, the dangling limbs - they just don't give a fuck what you think, they know they're bad ass - and you will too.

Producer Judd Apatow's brand of comedy is so recognizable, that it’s practically its own sub-genre at this point, and "Bridesmaids" is by far the funniest film cut from the Apatow cloth thus far.

Films like "The Hangover" and "Sex in the City" are accessible because, ultimately, they are shallow and lack depth of character. You've got the movie made by dumb, drunk frat guys for dumb, drunk frat guys, and then you have a film about vain, materialistic bitches with a superficial sense of sisterhood. Unflattering cliches and stereotypes, to say the least.

Sure, characters like Carrie Bradshaw or Bradley Cooper's Phil do exist in the real world, but seldom would you want to spend two hours with them - because they're the scourge of the Earth. We can watch these characters on a screen and enjoy their benign existence because it simplifies life for us so that we may organize our own emotions into neat little boxes.

If anything, Apatow's brand of comedy allows real emotion to seep through the cracks of vulgarity and ridiculousness. You totally buy into the relationship between Heigl and Rogen in "Knocked Up." There's a lot of heartfelt authenticity in films like "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and "Superbad," even if there are a shit-ton of dick jokes.

And that is where "Bridesmaids" soars, as a honest depiction of real women and how they interact within friendships and romantic relationships - how someone does everything in her power to make sure her best friend has the most amazing wedding ever. And at the end of the day, you can relate to these characters - because you know people like them - hell, you probably are one of them.

And because you relate and connect to the characters, you are more invested in the story - and the humor that comes out of the absurd situations they get into is even more over-the-top and hilarious.

Bottom Line: "Bridesmaids" is one of the funniest films I've seen in the past 10 years. Definitely not a chick flick, it will delight the guys who are begrudgingly dragged to theaters with their significant others - who will not doubt also be surprised by the amount of depth in the story and its female characters.

Final Thought: It's important that this movie succeeds at the box office, so I hope it catches on via word of mouth - because I don't think the advertising campaign has reached the same audience that elevated films like "Knocked Up" and "Superbad."

A message should be sent to Hollywood to say we're going to support genuine movies that portray women on screen as real, three-dimensional people and not cookie-cutter archetypes. That's maybe the most amazing thing about "Bridesmaids" - a movie written by women, featuring a cast that is 90% female, that isn't degrading to either sex and yet entertaining to both.

Shut-Eye City

2011-05-09T23:41:00.003-04:00

At 2:47 AM, every city becomes a ghost town, even the most populous city in the world. New York City is known by many names - The Big Apple, The City That Never Sleeps, The Capital of the World, The Center of the Universe.

But don't believe that Madison Avenue self-promotion. It is false advertising, a bold-faced lie. New York city sleeps, it just leaves the lights on. At 2:47 AM, the five boroughs feel no more alive than the northern plains of Nebraska or the deserted coal mining towns of West Virginia.

And so, at 2:47 AM, we navigate the abandoned boulevards and empty avenues of Manhattan in an '85 Oldsmobile. "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" plays on the radio as pouring rain hammers against the hood and windshield.

And there you are, playing piano on the Oldsmobile dashboard as streaks of neon green and streetlight orange slide across the windshield and disappear into the rear-view mirror. You sing along with Elton John - your voice soft and sweet. Together, we belt out, "I thank the Lord for the people I have found."

A red light at 3:03 AM is as aimless as decaffeinated coffee on a Monday morning. We make idle chit-chat on the beauty of a never-ending sea of streetlights and neon signs, the solid yellow lines running parallel with little white dashes in-between.

You adjust the dials of my modest radio in hopes of finding a frequency that seems appropriate. Unsatisfied, you reach into the backseat and produce a plastic lunchbox filled with cassette tapes. We listen to the Allman Brothers Band, Live At Fillmore East and look up at skyscrapers, standing like huge tombstones, dark and cold until the morning comes.

I want to speed through these deserted streets while you drum along to cassette tapes, hands smacking against knees in ripped blue jeans. We'll sleep all day, at rest stops and hotel parking lots, and see how long this tank of gasoline lasts.

As we make our way to Brooklyn, you reach over and hold my hand. I steer with my left and squeeze back. It's 3:36 AM. You stare out in silence over the Brooklyn Bridge, occasionally loosening your grip and readjusting your fingers so they wrap around mine perfectly.

It's 3:41 AM. Another useless red light. The city begins to stir as street-sweepers roam the lanes. You lean over and kiss me on the cheek. I melt away, like the reflection of streetlights trapped in raindrops sliding across the windshield.

An '85 Oldsmobile in an empty church parking lot, we watch the sun rise through the window glass. Shut-Eye City wakes at long last, as we call it a night and sleep with the lights on.

The Days of Thunder...

2011-05-05T07:26:00.007-04:00

By the golden gates of Asgard! The heavens do quiver and shake in celestial indignation!

Plot Synopsis: Directed by Kenneth Branagh, Thor spans the Marvel Universe from earth to the mystical realm of Asgard. Odin's son Thor (Chris Hemsworth) prepares to ascend to the throne of Asgard, but is interrupted when the Frost Giants attempt to retrieve an ancient relic.
Against Odin's command, Thor confronts the leader of the Frost Giants, accompanied by his brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), childhood friend Sif (Jaimie Alexander) and the Warriors Three: Volstagg (Ray Stevenson), Fandral (Joshua Dallas) and Hogun (Tadanobu Asano).

A battle ensues, destroying the fragile truce between the two races. For Thor's arrogance and recklessness, Odin strips his son of his godly power and banishes him to the realm of Earth. Accompanied by his hammer Mjolnir — the source of his power — now protected by a spell to allow only those who are worthy to wield it.

Thoughts: As Marvel Studios moves forward with their Avengers Initiative, mainstream audiences are being introduced to more obscure superheros like Iron Man and Thor. It's hard to call these guys obscure, though, being as they've been staples of the Marvel Universe for 50 years.

Maia Brewton plays Sarah Anderson in Adventures in Babysitting.

This isn't Thor's first foray into pop culture, mind you. Perhaps you're familiar with Chris Columbus' 1987 seminal classic Adventures in Babysitting, where within eight-year-old Sara Anderson idolizes Marvel's God of Thunder. In the film, she meets a hammer-wielding mechanic (played by Vincent D'Onofrio) who resembles Thor and offers him her replica winged helmet.

Still not ringing a bell? What about the 1988 made-for-television movie, The Incredible Hulk Returns, in which Thor (Eric Allan Kramer) teams up with David Banner, played by Bill Bixby. OK, so I can't blame you for not having seen this one - it's pretty terrible, but I loved it as kid. I recall a particularly ridiculous scene where Thor (in full Norse get-up) arm wrestles a biker in a bar.

Eric Allan Kramer, Stan Lee and Lou Ferrigno on the set of The Incredible Hulk Returns.

Thor isn't your standard superhero. He isn't a playboy billionaire or an American patriot. Nay, his abilities come not from titanium suits or super serums, nor radioactive spider-bites. Thor is a God from Asgard, one of the nine realms of our universe. He wields a mystical hammer which only he can lift - not even the Incredible Hulk can lift Mjolnir - few can match his strength, except for his wicked brother, Loki.

A mix of Masters of the Universe and Lord of the Rings, Thor's mystical realm of Asgard is brought to life by director Kenneth Branagh, whose cinematic vision is less in line with the superhero genre and more with sweeping fantasy adventure. The film is filled with epic battles against Frost Giants and mighty beasts, and yet there is a lot of humor and sweetness to the story, as Thor learns humility and selflessness amongst the mortals of Earth.

If you love Thor, then you will be delighted by the amount of care and respect given to the source material. Asgard, the Warriors Three, Lady Sif - almost every aspect of Thor's mythology is presented here. Traveling to Jotunheim and confronting the Frost Giant leader Laufey was particularly exciting, with tons of hammer-slinging action and classic comic book imagery.

Chris Hemsworth and Natalie Portman in Kennth Branagh's Thor.

Of course, much like The Incredible Hulk and Iron Man 2, Thor serves as a precursor for The Avengers - and is as such the ultimate fan service for Marvel fans. I don't want to give away too much, but there's a bad-ass cameo by a certain Avengers team member and plenty of subtle references for fans of the Marvel super-team to salivate over.

I found myself leaning forward in my seat with clinched fists and a goofy grin plastered across my face the whole time, like a six-year-old kid - swinging my fists as if I were fighting Frost Giants and battling the forces of Loki.

The Bottom Line: You've got to see Thor. It's one of the most faithful, entertaining comic book movies yet. It effortlessly captures the magic and wonder of the comic book series and delivers with impressive effects, beautiful surrounds and a remarkable cast. Branagh has assembled a cast worthy of a Shakespearean stage play and tells a story of drama, romance, and good old-fashioned chivalry with a touch of humor and a whole lot of heart.

For those unfamiliar with the character, you needn't worry - Thor and his mystical world are explained perfectly, and there is a very real human element to it, as Thor develops a relationship with mortal Jane Foster (Natalie Portman).

It's like Beauty and the Beast, but instead of Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman it's George Kirk and Padme Amidala. That's a beautiful thing.

Final Thought: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but be sure to stay until after the credits for a special scene that teases The Avengers. If Marvel can pull this off, it will truly be legendary - it will become the new blueprint for how to build a successful franchise, let's just hope Joss Whedon doesn't drop the ball.

I wonder if that little girl from Adventures in Babysitting will be seeing Thor this weekend. I like to imagine that, even though she's in her thirties, she'll be rollerskating her way to the cinema with hammer in hand to worship at the altar of her idol - and I wonder if she's single.

"This is a tasty burger!"